Mike Sturm

The distinction that makes all the difference

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Ask any successful person how they got where they are, and they’re likely to have one answer in common: “hard work”. This has led us to believe that we need to put in strenuous effort — give it 110% — in order to rise to higher levels of performance.

But we don’t actually have to put in a ton of strenuous effort. We don’t have to break our backs to extract the blood, sweat, and tears — just to do great things. We do, however, have to do the kinds of things that others aren’t doing and probably won’t do.

To put it another way, you don’t have to work hard to be successful, but you do have to do hard work. And there is a difference between those two things. Understanding that difference is more than half the battle. The rest is just about being choosy.

What’s the Difference?

Working hard means pushing, hustling, going all-out, exhausting yourself (and likely others) in pursuit of completing something. It can make you feel good at times, but it also leads to damaging stress. It leads to burn-out. In a company, it can lead to a decrease in morale.

Doing hard work means attempting things that are difficult, complex, require a lot of planning, practice, time, attention, and perhaps resources. These things don’t often get done. Either people see how complex the work is and run away, or people attempt to do just the parts they can readily understand, but not the rest.

But the important part isn’t how many hours you put in, how much you sweat, or how tired you are at the day’s end. What’s important is whether the hard stuff gets done — no matter how much you exerted yourself.

The Anti-Hustle

Is there merit in hustling? Sure. The hustle gets you lots of practice. Because you’re putting in a lot of time and effort, you’ll tend to get better at stuff. If you’re paying attention, you’ll learn a lot, too. But the working hard part of the hustle won’t necessarily get you the greatness.

If you become seduced by the idea of working hard, you end up busting your ass for something that probably isn’t worth pursuing. If your work ethic involves always finishing what you start — no matter what — you could end up forcing yourself to do a bunch of mediocre stuff.

I’m not saying that quitting should become a habit. But at the very least, quitting is a live option — a possible stepping stone on the road to greatness. The easiest way to become great at something is to quit doing a bunch of other stuff that’s not that something.

When we try something, and we start having to work hard, but it doesn’t put the wind in our sails — quit! Stop doing stuff that’s not worth your time and energy. It’s the fastest way to burnout. Quit as soon as you can, and move on to something else.

I know, I know: “done is better than perfect”. There’s value in completing things. But the context of that aphorism is that getting something done is better than paralysis by perfectionism. But there’s more out there than just those two options. There’s the opportunity to do really good stuff — stuff that’s not perfect — but is also not easy.

Be Choosy

Don’t force yourself down dead ends. Don’t waste your time and energy on things that don’t give you energy back. Explore a lot of things. Start and stop when it’s clear it’s not right.

In other words: be choosy. Be unabashedly and mercilessly choosy.

When you are choosy about what you pursue, and you find something that clicks with you, you’ll gain an advantage over others. Because you’re doing something that clicks with you, that energizes and motivates you — you will do deeper work than anyone else.

When something about the work motivates you, you can do hard work without having to work hard. You’ll do the things that others can’t do — because most people don’t even think of them. And the thing is, that hard work won’t be something you need to work hard at.

Now, go forth and do the hard work.

My 37 years on this planet have provided me with some hard-won principles that continue to help me grow

Photo by Casey Schackow on Unsplash

I’ve learned a lot of things in my life. Some things I learned from reading or hearing them. Other things I learned the hard way — by experiencing their lessons. Some of those lessons came from loss; others came from risks that paid off.

It can be hard to tell which things you learn in life are the most valuable. Which lessons are the most important probably depends a lot on your particular circumstances and personality. So much of life is the process of sifting through the dirt of your experience to find the gems worth keeping.

But there are some gems of hard-earned wisdom that are worth sharing no matter who might read them. I consider these 10 to be among the most valuable I’ve learned.

1. Above all else, be kind and patient with yourself. You deserve it. You are the only sure thing you have in this life, so don’t beat yourself up. Value yourself, regardless of your accomplishments, traits, or anything else. Be honest with yourself about your feelings and motives. Correct yourself gently when those motives aren’t in line with your values.
2. Remember: no matter how thoughtless or terrible a thing someone has done, they’re simply doing it to make themselves happy. Con-artists, thieves, murders, rapists, and dictators are all on a journey to find happiness. It’s just very easy for some to lose their way on that journey. But we’re all looking for the same destination.
3. Nobody is really self-made. Everyone had help to get where they are. People — whether mentors, investors, customers, constituents, friends, or whoever — helped along the way. If someone goes out of their way to tell you they’re self-made, be skeptical. They’re giving too much credit to themselves, and overshadowing others. Stay grateful and humble for all the help you’ve received.
4. When you’re feeling stuck or not sure what to do, reach out to someone and ask what they think. You don’t need to ask them to do anything but give their opinion. You’ll be surprised how helpful that can be. And people are usually happy to give their thoughts on something. Take advantage of that generosity and diversity of thought.
5. Just sit down and set aside 15 minutes to start on that big, hairy, daunting project. You will get a lot more done in that 15 minutes than you realize. It’s weird: Things tend to take more time than you think they might, but much less time than you fear they will. We underestimate how effective 15 or 30 minutes can be.
6. Your mind may not remember everything you think about or experience, but somehow it feels it all. Your emotions are constantly running in the background — behind all your thinking — and they’re using up mental energy. Make sure you’re able to process and close the loops on the things that impact you emotionally, or you’ll be mentally exhausted all the time.
7. Practice strategic detachment. Understand that even if you do all the right things, the results are not guaranteed. Have a well thought-out process you’re confident in, and work it enthusiastically and optimistically. But don’t get too attached to outcomes. Getting too invested in outcomes will wreck you emotionally, and might force you to betray great processes.
8. Prioritization is the most important skill you can learn and refine. When you fully understand which things are the most important, you gain the ability to focus and do deep work. There are few feelings better than being confident in your priorities and doing focused and diligent work on them.
9. Have a spiritual practice of some kind. This doesn’t mean religion or anything formal. It’s just a consistent habit of quietly turning inward. Whether prayer, meditation, yoga, tai chi, forest bathing, or anything like that — just set aside some quiet time to be without necessarily doing. The benefits are lifelong and may surprise you.
10. Be flexible, and you’ll grow. As much as you can, don’t tie yourself to one way of thinking and acting. Be willing to move things around to help out others. Be open to looking at opportunities you didn’t plan on. Be willing to revise your goals and projects for things that pop up. Some of the best things I’ve done came up because I was flexible. I’ve grown due in large part to my flexibility.

I hope these were helpful. For more stuff like this, subscribe to my newsletter, Woolgathering.

From humble acts to tiny bits of time, some of the biggest impact comes from things we’d never otherwise thing about

Photo by Akshar Dave on Unsplash

I was watching the surprisingly good Apple TV+ series Ted Lasso tonight, when I was hit with a realization. Upon arrival to coach a failing soccer club in England, coach Ted Lasso-who has only previously coached American Football in the midwest-tries to gain the alliance of the skeptical players.

One tactic he attempts in the beginning is to put out a suggestion box. He asks the players to put in whatever kind of suggestion they’d like, from the texture of the towels to the quality of the vending machine snacks. As he sifts through it with his assistant coach, they find an array of insults, and not much of use-except for one thing. A player notes that the “shower water pressure is rubbish.”

Lasso could have been forgiven for tossing the whole thing aside and focusing on getting real feedback from the team about substantive issues that could fix the team’s dynamic. Instead, he makes it a pirority to quietly have the showers fixed. He doesn’t announce it; he doesn’t go in search of who commented on it. He just takes care of it.

There’s a beautiful scene near the end of the episode where an already vociferous critic of Lasso’s goes to take a post-game shower. He’s visibly moved by the fact that the water pressure is now excellent.

Perhaps this was meant as just a vehicle for showing the tides turning for Lasso. But for me, it’s an illustration of a greater principle that warrants mention again and again: The little things matter.

People say that the devil is in the details. And while he may certainly hang out there from time to time, I don’t think that’s where he lives. For my money, distinction is in the details-as in, attention to detail is what distinguishes the great from the merely acceptable.

But let’s be clear here what I mean by “attention to detail.” I’m not saying that each and every aspect of everything has to be perfect. I’m not even saying that most of it has to be. Many small and insignificant details can be left unaddressed in the course of excellent service. What distinguishes excellent service from just okay service is the care to see which details matter, and which don’t.

And the thing about details is that context changes which of them matter. The shower pressure wouldn’t matter if the team was winning and on track to do great things. But things were falling apart. There had been major upheaval. Everyone was uncomfortable. In that case, getting good water pressure-at long last-made a huge difference.

And if you’re looking to make a change-whether you’re a leader, creator, entrepreneur, or parent-you need to be able to identify what small things will make the difference.

For every failing football team, there’s a minor plumbing problem you can fix, which just might turn the tide. Be willing to spend a little time looking for it. You’ll be thankful you did.

Become more confident and decisive — and stop putting things off — using the Eisenhower Matrix

Photo by Artem Verbo on Unsplash

Procrastination is a killer.

It kills projects. It kills opportunities. It can even kill an entire company. It kills slowly and quietly — by sapping your time, energy, and money. It also saps the self-confidence and effectiveness of individuals who could be doing great things.

But it is possible to defeat procrastination. You just have to adopt one simple habit: decisiveness. You have to consistently make decisions and stick with them with a high level of commitment.

How do you do this? It helps first to have an understanding of what procrastination really is. Once you have that understanding, you can adopt a framework for preventing it. The framework helps you make decisions with confidence. You then begin making decisions you’ll stick to. At which point, you’ll stop procrastinating, and start doing great work.

What Is Procrastination?

Procrastination is the putting off of work that you know you should be doing, in favor of something else. In most cases, that “something else” is something you know to be less important. But you do it anyway.

But that’s only a superficial understanding of what procrastination is. Procrastination is an expression of an underlying uncertainty and anxiety. You’re uncertain about whether that thing you’ve told yourself you need to do is actually the most important thing you could be doing.

In short, you made an earlier decision to do a thing, believing it to be important. But as you consider starting work on it, you stop. You get distracted. You space out, you look at your inbox again. Why?

Your brain is trying to tell you something. It’s trying to tell you that it knows there’s other stuff out that — stuff you should be doing. And something in that amorphous blog of other stuff is more important. But that blob of stuff is so dense, you don’t have the energy to look through it now and decide what you really should be doing. So you do nothing.

But if you had already looked at that blob — and decided which things in it were important and which weren’t — you’d be confident in your decision. Unless something more important or more urgent came along, you would do that thing you identified was a priority. To do this, you need a decision-making process. Enter the Eisenhower Matrix.

The Eisenhower Matrix

The most effective way to get clear on priorities is something called the Eisenhower Matrix. It’s a simple framework that makes it easy to make decisions about priorities that you’ll stick to.

It’s simple enough to learn in minutes. It’s agile enough to use with any tools — be they paper-based or digital. It’s also flexible enough to accommodate both big goals or projects and smaller tasks.

The idea behind it is simple: everything you believe you need to do goes in 1 of 4 quadrants on a matrix. Spend as much time as you can in the first 2 quadrants — spending as much time as you can on quadrant 2 stuff.

The Eisenhower Matrix, c/o the author

But what are these quadrants? They’re really just different combinations of two concepts: urgency and importance. The matrix has 4 quadrants:

• Quadrant 1: Urgent and Important stuff
• Quadrant 2: Important, but not urgent stuff
• Quadrant 3: Urgent, but not Important stuff
• Quadrant 4: Neither urgent nor important stuff

Understanding the difference between urgency and importance is the key to this framework. But once you do understand, you can supercharge how effective you are at making decisions. Which makes you much less likely to become uncertain about priorities. Which in turn makes you much less likely to procrastinate.

What does Urgent mean?

Something is urgent when it is time sensitive. It must be done as soon as possible or there will be negative consequences. The urgency can come from someone else’s constraints or ones you place upon yourself. Either way, if something is urgent, it requires immediate attention, time, and energy.

Urgent things on your plate tend to be smaller, simpler, shorter-duration tasks. They also tend to be newer on your list of things to do, because they arrive to you with a built-in demand for quick action.

What does Important Mean?

Important things, unlike urgent ones, aren’t time sensitive. They may have deadlines or desired dates, but they are often further away. Things that are important contribute to larger, often higher-level goals. Sometimes they are fixes to persistent problems. Other times, they are pivots or massive innovations.

Whatever specific form they take, important things are worth doing, and beneficial to you. But they require some self-motivating, because they’re often drowned out by the loudness of urgent things. The urgent tasks will often butt in line ahead of important ones in our brains. That trend is what makes prioritization so necessary. If you don’t force yourself to attend to important work, you’ll spend all your time and energy on the consistent onslaught of the urgent.

Using the Eisenhower Matrix as a Weapon

The Eisenhower Matrix works by getting you to do 2 things:

1. Classify your stuff to do based on its level of urgency and importance.
2. Work on your tasks in priority order — based on that urgency and importance. Begin with Quadrant 1, then 2, and so on.

That’s where the quadrants come into play. They have numbers for a reason. That’s the priority order of work.

Quadrant 1, the urgent and important, should get your attention right away. Attend to those items until they’re done or downgraded. If you can, delegate some part of those things, to help get them done more quickly — since they are urgent.

Quadrant 2, the important but not urgent, should get your attention next. But there’s an important point to make here. Though quadrant 1 is where you go first, quadrant 2 stuff should be where you go most. That is to say: quadrant 2 items should get most of your time and attention. After all, those items feed into your long-term goals. They deserve a lot of attention.

And rarely are your long-term goals urgent. In fact, failing to do the important stuff, while you toil away at the ever-present urgent stuff, is a common reason why people fail to achieve their goals. Don’t let it happen to you; focus on quadrant 2 stuff as much as you can. Make time for the important.

Quadrants 3 and 4 deserve little attention here. But they can be a source of distraction for many of us. I would suggest you pay as little attention to quadrant 4 items as you can. After all, you identified them as neither urgent nor important. So why give them any time and attention? On to quadrant 3.

Quadrant 3 items (the urgent but not important) can be alluring. They can trick us into thinking we need to do them immediately. They’re often not individually time-consuming, but there tend to be a lot of them. So they add up.

A big part of overcoming procrastination is realizing that quadrant 3 items are not important. Someone may want them done now, but they provide little value in the long run. If you do this right, you can start a quadrant 2 project to do something the prevent these quadrant 3 activities from being so prevalent. That brings us to a sneaky power inherent in working the matrix: the secret power of quadrant 2.

The Power of Quadrant 2

If you were to track how much time you spend on stuff in each quadrant, you’ll likely find that you spend the most time in quadrant 1. Perhaps you even spend a lot of time in quadrant 3. And that’s a big reason why you procrastinate, or feel overwhelmed and unmotivated.

Doing urgent stuff (quadrants 1 and 3) with most of your time takes away from your sense of agency and self-actualization. Rather than doing work that you have identified as important, you are at the beck and call of others. Rather than working at your own pace, you are being pushed by the deadlines and demands of the deadlines. Rather than working on things with a clear return on investment, you’re working merely to avoid catastrophe. That gets exhausting.

If you were to spend significant time on quadrant 2 activities, you’d see something interesting. Many of your urgent items in quadrant 1 stop coming up. You may find that 90% of the urgent items that pop up could have been prevented by proactive quadrant 2 activities. Think of how many quadrant 1 items are paired with you slapping your forehead remembering that you should have started that weeks ago?

All this is to say that the more time you spend on identifying and working on quadrant 2 activities, the less time you will procrastinate. Getting clear on the importance and urgency of your stuff, and working it in priority order, will minimize your indecisive mind.

The Simple Summary

We’ve identified why we procrastinate: we’re indecisive. We’re indecisive because we haven’t prioritized our work. Using the Eisenhower Matrix, you can prioritize your work, and stop second-guessing yourself when it’s time to do it. When you stop second-guessing yourself, you will stop procrastinating. So use the method:

1. Categorize your tasks and projects into an Eisenhower Matrix, based on the 4 quadrants of urgency and importance.
2. Work on the stuff in your quadrants in numerical order, from quadrant 1 down.
3. Spend as much time as you can on quadrant 2 items.
4. Keep categorizing and recategorizing, so you don’t second-guess the priority of your work.

Each of us engages in these negative habits every day, but it’s possible to overcome them

Photo by Radu Florin on Unsplash

Do you talk to yourself? Before you answer that, allow me to answer it for you. Yes, you do. You just don’t realize just how often you do it.

It’s not actual talking out loud to yourself. Rather, it’s an internal monologue — sometimes to yourself, other times about yourself. Sometimes it’s encouraging and helpful, but much more often, it’s not. The unhelpful internal monologue is called negative self-talk.

Negative self-talk plagues us all at times. It’s our tendency to think about ourselves, our choices, and our actions in critical and negative ways. It doesn’t have to be actual talk — as in words we say to ourselves.

Most of the time, it’s merely passing thoughts. And many of these thoughts are automatic; they happen without us even noticing at the time. But their effects build. We become stressed, anxious, pessimistic about the future, and we develop a negative perception of ourselves and our abilities.As a result, we limit ourselves. We keep ourselves from making progress.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. If you can identify the bad habits at the foundation of the negative self-talk, you can overcome them. When you do that, there’s much more room in your mind to just be relaxed — to be okay. With that comes the ability to do constructive things.

Bad Habit #1 : Filtering

Chances are, both negative and positive things happened to you today. But if you find yourself focusing more on the negative things, you’re filtering. You pick out the things that went wrong, and focus on them. Even if you’re focusing on them to motivate yourself to change, you can still be doing yourself harm.

The Remedy

For every thing in your day that went badly, there’s at least one thing that went well. In the course of a normal day, many things go right that you tend not to notice because you’ve assumed they’ll continue to go right. If you have friends and family, access to clean water, food, shelter, and a job — there are many things still going right for you. Remember those things.

We hear a lot about gratitude, but it only works if you practice it correctly. You have to be specific. Being thankful for your family, partner, or friends might lift your spirits once or twice, but they’re fairly abstract. You need to think of specific things that went right throughout the day, and be grateful that they did.

Having trouble thinking about things that went well? It’s easy to find them. Your electricity and water were working when you woke up. The cell phone towers are passing along your data and calls. Your coffee was hot, and that breakfast hit the spot. When you notice all these little things that go right each day, you can overturn the negative narratives that tend to come from filtering.

Bad Habit #2: Personalizing

Many of us tend to blame ourselves for things over which we had little or no control. We then obsess about what we could have done differently, or just beat ourselves up for the way things went. Either way, the effect is stress, anxiety, and a continued negative image of ourselves.

The Remedy

The truth is that most things are outside of our control. The things that are in our control are often less in our control than we think.

For instance, you cannot control how your partner will react to a difficult piece of news you deliver to them. But you can control how you deliver it. So rather than focusing on how they react, focus on your word choice and overall delivery. Be as calm and kind as you can, knowing that it is all you can really control.

Bad Habit # 3: Avalanching

Many of us suddenly become expert forecasters when things go wrong. We stub getting out of bed and we’re instantly certain that our entire day is going to terrible. A stub toe turns into the worst day ever. A tiny snowball turns into an avalanche — and your day gets buried under it.

This kind of self-talk proceeds from something small, like a stubbed toe, and says “this is just how this day is going to go, I know it. It’s all downhill from here.” But it was just your toe; nothing more.

Thinking like is self-sabotage. You expect bad things to happen, which basically makes sure you focus on all the bad things. Which conditions you to think that the day went badly. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The Remedy

The simplest way to beat this type of negative self-talk is to remember that you don’t have evidence that this day will be terrible. Remember that you’ve stubbed your toe before later in the day — when things were going well — and you didn’t even notice.

Remember that whatever you choose to focus on is what makes your day good or bad. There is no avalanche. There is no mounting doomsday scenario. The day is one of many, with ins and outs, ups and downs.

Take 3 deep belly breaths, and get on with your day — mindful that you’ll need to focus on more than just the little stubbed toes of your day.

Bad Habit #4: Black and White Thinking

There is a middle ground between being perfect at something and totally screwing up. In fact, most of the things that can happen fall into a middle ground of some sort. When we forget this, we’re left at the mercy of an emotional roller-coaster that we create. Things are either awesome or terrible — with all the stuff in between forgotten. But that’s a mentally exhausting way to live.

The Remedy

The middle ground is where things usually fall. You’re neither perfect nor a failure. Things are neither terrible tragedies nor amazing triumphs. Don’t believe me? What about a strong mathematical argument?

There’s a phenomenon in Mathematics called the normal distribution. Basically, it says that for most data sets, most of the points fall within a certain range in the middle of the extremes.

As you can see in the graph , over 68% of a given set are just to the right or left of the middle. Another 27+% are just to the right or left of those.

If the left side is “Really bad” and the right side is “really good”, then 95% of the stuff that happens falls somewhere in the middle between perfect and terrible. Only 5% of what happens is really either black or white — the rest is gray.

I’ve found it helpful to visualize this graph in moments when I find myself getting frustrated, angry, or impatient — especially with myself. I picture the curve above and ask where this event falls on it. Most of the time (about 95%, actually!), I start to calm down as I realize that it falls in that 95% range. See? We can finally use that math we learned in high school to do something really helpful in our everyday lives!

The fine art of stumbling and fumbling your way into greatness

Photo by Trym Nilsen on Unsplash

I was raised — as I suspect many of us were — to believe in the idea of the straight and narrow. Go to school every day, do your homework, go to college, follow the rules, play it safe, work hard, and eventually success will come.

It didn’t quite work that way for me. In fact, if it works that way for anyone, it would be the exception, rather than the rule.

The rule is that the straight and narrow is usually neither straight nor narrow. And inasmuch as the path actually ends up being either straight or narrow, it rarely leads anywhere worth going.

Your Pain is a Gift, if You Accept It

The path that most of us end up on snakes around, breaks off, returns back, has fallen trees on it, and seems to end, yet pick back up again later. And as if that weren’t enough, most of that path hasn’t been prepared beforehand; we have to make it ourselves.

But for those of us who have experienced that journey, and gotten through to the other side, would you have wanted it any other way?

I used to view stumbling as ignoble, but it’s actually one of the most noble things there is. When we stumble, we’re given the chance to recover. When we fall, we’re given the chance to get back up. And getting back up is about the best work we can do. I’ve learned more from stumbling, falling, and getting back up than I ever will on the elusive straight and narrow path.

Your pain is a gift. The scrapes and cuts you get from falling are fuel for your strength. But it’s only a gift if you accept it, and sit with it.

What Doesn’t Kill You…May Do Nothing

Nietzsche only got it half right: what doesn’t kill you can make you stronger, but it doesn’t do so automatically. There are plenty of injuries and setbacks that happen to people, and because they don’t take the time to sit with the pain, and reflect on their journey, they don’t learn anything. So they run headlong back into mistakes that look eerily similar to previous ones. Well all do that from time to time, the trick is not to make a habit of it.

That’s where time comes into the equation. There’s an old joke that comedy = tragedy + time. Actually, I’m not so sure it’s a joke; it’s more like advice. Tragedy happens to all of us, in some form or another. But with enough time passing, and enough life lived from when we felt that initial pain, we can smile again — and we can be sure that we’ve grown because that smile wouldn’t have graced our lips if it weren’t for that tragedy a while back.

That tragedy is the stumbling, falling, getting side-tracked, and losing your way more than a couple times. It feels so raw and hurts so bad when it happens. But it has to, otherwise it wouldn’t be transformative. It is our attempts to avoid that pain that get us into trouble. Because when we avoid that pain we rob it of its ability to transform us. Then we repeat mistakes. Then it hurts even more than last time. And we’re given the chance once again to stop, reflect, and learn. I speak from experience; lots of it.

History, Success, and Failure

George Santayana is famous for coining the phrase “those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it.” It’s a great saying, but we only halfway understand it. We tend to think that what we need to learn from history is the mistakes that others made — so we don’t make the same ones. But that only gets you stagnation and complacency.

What we should be learning from Santayana isn’t just that we shouldn’t repeat the mistakes of history, but also that we shouldn’t keep repeating the successes. Even a cursory review of engineering history will reveal a pattern of bridge and building designers pushing further past the accepted successful designs of the day, in order to try something new. Many of them met with failure. But it wasn’t until those failures that they realized they had reached a limit, and needed to go back to the drawing board.

If we continue repeating the successes of history, we forfeit all of the benefits of innovation and creative progress. But the cost of those things is failure — bitter, painful, sometimes disheartening failure. That failure needs to be taken seriously, but it should never be taken with you. Learn what you need from it, and leave it behind. Carrying its weight can only slow down your pace.

How to apply the ‘principle of value asymmetry’ in every area of your life

Photo: Live Richer/Unsplash

Earlier this year, I stumbled upon a book called The Science of Getting Rich, written by a somewhat obscure author named Wallace D. Wattles back in 1910. While I’m still not sure that I’ll be getting rich any time soon, there’s one principle in the book that has stuck with me — something I’ve found useful not just in the context of wealth creation, but in every area of life.

Wattles writes:

You must so impress others that they will feel that in associating with you they will get increase for themselves. See that you give them a use value greater than the cash value you are taking from them.

Take an honest pride in doing this, and let everybody know it; and you will have no lack of customers. People will go where they are given increase.

I started referring to this as the principle of value asymmetry: In every interaction, aim to “get increase,” as Wattles put it — to provide more value to others than you get back from them. Doing this leverages an important tenet of social psychology: reciprocity. Simply put, most people are compelled to repay what they are given by others.

In 1974, the sociologists Phillip Kunz and Michael Woolcott conducted an experiment in which they mailed out handwritten Christmas cards to nearly 600 complete strangers. What happened next? About 20% of the recipients, still clueless about who the senders were, mailed their own cards back. They felt that they needed to reciprocate the gesture. Similarly, marketers spend a lot of time making sure customers feel they’re getting “more than what they’re paying for.” Because when they do, they often become loyal customers — maybe even investors. They commit themselves to helping you grow.

The same is true for all relationships, not just professional ones. About a year ago, I was having coffee with someone I had only recently gotten to know. At some point during the conversation, he asked “Is there anything that I can help you with?” The question caught me off guard, but it was so sincere that I came up with something. He ended up helping me think through a persistent issue that had been weighing on my mind. He provided me with value while expecting nothing in return. Now when he texts, calls, or emails, I make sure to reply. We’ve created a friendship by showing that we’re willing to create value for each other.

Now I’m constantly looking for situations where I can use value asymmetry. I ask people what they’re working on and I find things I can help with. When I do this, not only do I feel great, but good things tend to happen down the line. People stay in touch with me. Great conversations happen. Opportunities open up.

Creating value doesn’t even need to come in the form of grand gestures. You just have to go a little above and beyond. If someone emails you with a question, give them more than just the simple answer. If a friend pops into your head, send them an encouraging text for no reason. Make sure others know that — to borrow Wattles’ words — “in associating with you they will get increase for themselves.” Give them value that’s greater than anything you take for yourself, and watch what eventually comes back.

A guide to making the impossible possible

Photo by Gantas Vaičiulėnas from Pexels

Alice laughed. “There’s no use trying,” she said: “one can’t believe impossible things.”
“I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen. “When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”

-From Lewis Carroll’s Through the Looking Glass

There may be no better feeling than doing what someone else has said is impossible. There’s also no better fuel for future progress than achieving supposedly impossible things.

Doing so is all about mindset. Namely, you need to learn how to develop a possibility mindset — meaning you see what’s possible where others only see what’s not. This kind of mindset is at the root of innovation and perseverance.

When you develop a possibility mindset, you can not only amaze others who tend to doubt you, but also (and most importantly) yourself. A possibility mindset can help you shed self-doubt and achieve more. Here’s how to do it.

What Makes Something Impossible?

Just because someone says something is impossible doesn’t make it so. In fact, the things that people often claim are impossible are usually quite possible. The reason we prematurely label things as impossible is because we’re not clear on just what impossibility actually means.

In order to get clear, the first thing you need to do is ask the very simple question: what is impossible about this supposedly impossible thing? As we’ll see, it can be one of two situations: it’s either the road or the destination.

Each situation calls for a slightly different approach, but neither approach involves simply giving up. They just involve slightly different ways of thinking. Picking a different way of thinking is how you develop a possibility mindset.

The Two Flavors of Impossibility

When someone says “that’s impossible!” it helps to stop and ask what “that” is. I’m not trying to be coy here, but rather, I’m trying to expose something that lies at the heart of many defeatist assumptions — so that you can defeat the defeatists in your life.

There’s a metaphor that I find useful when thinking about supposedly impossible things: think about it in terms of traveling. You’re trying to get somewhere, and someone tells you it’s impossible to get there. There are two things they could mean by that: either the road you’re taking won’t get you to the destination, or the destination itself is inaccessible.

The Wrong Road

Impossibility often presents itself as a roadblock on a road we’re determined to travel. But usually, there’s no need for us to travel that particular road. In most cases, the road itself matters little to us, it’s the destination we’re trying to get to that matters. The road may be blocked, but the destination is not inaccessible. It’s still there, we just need to take a different road to get there — or in some cases, make our own road.

This metaphor serves to illustrate how we often look at impossibility the wrong way. We travel on a given road, and then find that the road is blocked, and we can’t keep traveling on it. So we say that getting to the destination is impossible. But that’s not true. What’s really impossible is just to continue on that road. But we can still reach the destination; we just can’t use that road anymore.

The Wrong Destination

Sometimes we don’t so much misjudge the road, as we misjudge the destination. We think that we need to get to a certain destination, but we actually don’t.

Let’s say you’ve got a goal (destination) of getting a raise at your job. So you talk to your boss, and you present all the reasons why you deserve to get a pay bump. She entertains your reasoning, but ultimately turns down your request. Your destination of getting a pay raise seems an impossible one to reach.

In that instance, you need to ask yourself if your destination really is to get more money at your current job, or simply getting more money in general. My guess is that it’s the latter, because it probably doesn’t matter where the money comes from.

When you look at your goal that way — of just getting more money in general — there are other ways to get there. You could pick up a side gig or start selling old things you don’t need and bring in extra cash that way. It wouldn’t be at your current job, but it actually may be easier and more fulfilling.

There’s also another way to look at it: You could pick a slightly different destination.

Is your goal to make more money, or simply to net more money? When you think about your money in general, there is the cash you bring in (income), and the cash you spend (expenses). The former minus the latter is your net income — it’s what you get to keep. What really matters is the net. And if you can cut your spending enough, you might be able to net as much money as if you had increased your income with that raise you were chasing after.

See, it wasn’t impossible — you were just thinking too narrowly. You just had to adjust your destination.

In this way, I take the phrase “making the impossible possible” literally. You are taking X — which really did prove to be impossible — and replacing it with Y — which is where you were really trying to get anyway. And Y is quite possible. So now, you go after Y. Broaden your thinking, and do what you initially thought couldn’t be done.

That’s the possibility mindset. It involves asking which thing is supposedly impossible, and being willing to make adjustments and substitutes along the way.

Possibility and Persistence

If you take nothing else form the above rant, here’s a neat little package.

Develop a possibility mindset by examining each supposedly impossible thing you face. Ask the question: what is it about this thing that’s supposedly impossible — the road or the destination?

If it’s the road that’s impossible to travel, look for other roads to the same destination. Find another plan, different tools, or a different way to get to your goal. You may have to adjust your timeline or who is involved.

If the destination really is inaccessible, ask yourself whether or not that destination is your ultimate destination — or just a stop on the way to another ultimate destination. Ask yourself why you desire the goal that seems impossible. That reason why will often reveal other goals that are actually more important to you, and that are not impossible to achieve given your current circumstances.

If nothing else, remember this: for everything that seems impossible, there is at least one other thing that is possible. Focus on what’s possible, and persevere.

A simple way to figure out what you should be doing, and what’s simply a waste of your time

Photo by Ricardo Gomez Angel on Unsplash

Can you quickly, and without hemming and hawing, answer the following 2 part question?

What are you doing right now, and how is that contributing to the overarching goals for your life?

If your answer is something like “Well, I’m scrolling through Facebook right now , and, well, I’m not sure about the second part of the question”, then perhaps my message can be of benefit to you .

You see, one of the most insidious sources of anxiety for so many of us is being at odds with who we want to be. But fear not, because we mostly already have an idea of who we’d like to be — we just haven’t made it explicit and front-of-mind yet. But making that idea explicit, and taking action toward achieving it, is a contributing factor in building and maintaining a life that you enjoy living, and that you can be proud to live.

GTD and Thinking in Altitudes

One of the best things I did in my adult life — aside from getting married and having kids — was reading David Allen’s Getting Things Done. It changed the way that I looked at almost everything I do — life, work, the whole thing. Am I so bold as to call it a miracle? Not exactly, but what are miracles, really?

But seriously, GTD (as the insiders call it) allowed me the head-space to step back and take a look at two important things that need to be looked at: how I get things done that I want to do and why I choose to do the things that I do. David Allen calls them horizons of focus, which represent different levels of abstraction in your life, which require different kinds of thinking to sort out. He uses the analogy of altitudes to explain the horizons:

• The “runway” level is the small projects and their respective tasks that you’ve got going in the short term, like going to the grocery store to pick up coffee and toilet paper (which reminds me…)
• The 10,000 ft. level is the list of projects you’re committed to. It’s everything from getting your oil changed this weekend to that huge project you just took on at work.
• The 20,000 ft. level consists of your roles and responsibilities — the stuff at your job and in your personal life that you are responsible for on an ongoing basis.
• The 30,000 ft. level is the slightly bigger picture. It consists of where you want to be, and what you want to be doing in the next 1 to 2 years. It’s the stuff that’s not represented in the projects or your current responsibilities at the lower two levels — it’s aspirational.
• The 40,000 ft. level consist of your medium and long-term goals for your work and life. Whereas the horizon below this one is about where you want to be with your next few moes, this horizon is about where you want to be after the next few moves. It’s where you really get strategic in your thinking.
• The 50,000 ft. level is the overarching purpose in your life, your big goals, your endgame. What is your life’s work? What do you want your legacy to be? These are the 50,000 ft. questions. When you think at this level, you consider whether or not the goals at the two horizons below — along with the projects laid out currently — align with your lifelong values and visions. You can also ask yourself whether your values and visions have changed. That’s allowed. But it needs to happen separately from looking at your to-do list, or what your current job is. Hence the high altitude.

The thing about these altitudes is that it shows you something very clearly that many of us don’t understand: you can’t be at two altitudes at once. That means you can’t think about what your real values and principles are at the same time as you’re figuring out what needs to be done to finish that big presentation you need to give on Monday. Those are two different things at two different horizons. They require two different kinds of thinking to be effectively addressed. If you don’t respect that, you won’t get useful answers at either level.

Make Time to Climb to Higher Altitudes

When I was forced to think at this 50,000 ft. level, I began to immediately realize three important things. First, I realized that so much of my frustration, exhaustion, anxiety, and irritability came from failing to think at an altitude higher than 10,000 feet. Even at times when I got clear on project objectives and next actions, I was still running around every day without clarity on my bigger goals, objectives, and values. I hadn’t spent any meaningful time at the higher horizons of focus.

The second thing that struck me was that while I thought I knew what I’d find at the 50,000 ft. level when I got there, I was dead wrong. I was amazed by how many of the goals I thought I had were not well fleshed out. Some goals even seemed to clash with each other. What I assumed was clear was not, and it meant I needed to spend some time reflecting at a higher level of thinking.

The third and final thing that I discovered was that so many of the things on my lower 2 horizons, and even the 20,000 ft. level, were just not important from 50,000 feet. To me, that was a clear indicator that a significant change was in order. I had to ensure that the next time I flew up to 50,000 ft., when I looked down at the runway, it all still made sense.

Simply put, if your runway consists of any tasks that don’t help you get to your goals at 40,000 and 50,000 ft., consider taking them off your list. That may sound scary, but that’s the beauty, it’s really not. What’s scarier is this: as long as your day is filled with tasks that don’t contribute to your overarching goals, you will be at odds with your deepest values. As a result, you’ll be stressed, anxious, and left wanting — no matter how many tasks you get done each day. To change that, you need to do some realignment.

The Quick(ish) Fix: Check Your Life’s Outline

It can seem like a big undertaking to go through all of those altitudes — especially when you’re stressed and have so much to do on the runway now. With that in mind, here’s one quick approach to cleaning off your runway, and gaining some peace of mind along the way. It consists of 5 steps, and can be done quickly, if you set aside a few minutes to focus on it.

1. Take your current to-do list, in all of its cluttered glory, and hide it from view.
2. Take out a new blank list medium (paper or digital, your choice). [note: I have to give a shout out to a web-based platform for this called Workflowy. It is elegant and so very useful for just this purpose. And no, they’re not paying me to say that.)
3. List no more than 5 major, long-term goals for yourself — which represent where you want to be 5 and 10 years from now. As a guide, think about what work you want to be doing, and where you’d like to be physically, as well as with whom.
4. Take out your original to-do list and place it alongside your new list from step 3.
5. For each item from your original to-do list, attempt to place it in the space under one of your major goals on your new list. Skip any items that you can’t place within a minute or two. Cross each item off of your original list as you place it.

After those 5 steps are done, take a deep breath; you’re on your way, but there’s one last step to do. You will have to spend some time with each of the items on your original to-do list that you couldn’t place under a goal on your new list. If you really want to hop on the fast track to enlightenment, crumple up this crowded to-do list and throw it away (along with all copies of it). After all, why are you tasking yourself with projects that don’t comport with your overall goals? That may be a bit too radical for most people, and I understand that.

A less radical step in the right direction would be to simply store this old list in a place out of view and don’t look at it for a week or two. Pay attention to only what’s on your new list, and see if anything from the old list pops up. If it does, then reevaluate where that project fits into your life. Does it really fit into one of your 5 goals, but you didn’t make the connection before? Is there some goal that this project works toward, but you didn’t consider it as a goal before?

Ask these types of questions, and get yourself thinking about the real reason why things are on your radar. But always be prepared to find a way to just sweep things off of your radar, keeping only those things on that contribute to your (now) explicitly stated goals.

Remember: just because you can do anything, doesn’t mean you should. Be judicious in what you choose to take on; if it doesn’t fit in the outline of your goals, you probably shouldn’t do it. You’ll end up with a lot of things you just aren’t doing, but now, you can feel good about not doing them.

It’s not a sappy self-help cop-out, but rather a highly effective tool of high-performing people

Photo by Bianca Salgado from Pexels

I’ll start off this piece of writing with something that may sound controversial: If you have never seen a therapist or counselor before, you should at least consider it.

You don’t need a mental illness in order to benefit immensely from therapy. Everyone has issues that make their journey challenging. Talking to a third party who has no emotional stake in your life helps provide a point of view that’s difficult to get from friends or family members.

One of the most helpful things that you can learn from going to therapy is how to love yourself. I cannot overstate the value of this. It may be the key to continued self-improvement and a consistently better attitude.

What Is Self Love? What Isn’t?

When I say “self love” I’m not talking about simply looking in a mirror and whispering affirmations to yourself. I’m not talking about being complacent.

But I did purposely use the word love — as opposed to mere respect or care. Love is strong, unconditional, and consistent despite challenges. Loving yourself is more than respecting or believing in yourself. It is being in the position of caring deeply about yourself, valuing yourself apart from your accomplishments and possessions, and wanting the best for yourself.

Loving yourself isn’t that different from loving someone else. A healthy love for someone consists of wanting what’s best for them, respecting their individuality, and treating them with kindness and respect.

It doesn’t mean being overly lenient with them. It doesn’t mean always being happy with their choices. You can love someone, but still be disappointed in what they’ve done. But if they sincerely want to do better, you stick with them. Self-love is the same way.

Loving yourself is about accepting yourself as you are right now, getting clear about how you want to be in the future, and committing to being kind to yourself along the way. Not lenient and complacent, but kind. There is a world of difference.

Practical Self-Love

In practical terms, practicing self-love is about two things: being aware of how you talk to yourself and adjusting that self-talk to be more understanding and encouraging.

We all have self-talk going on in our heads. For some of us, it’s literally an inner monologue. For others, it’s not exactly full sentences, but just thoughts about ourselves — maybe just words or phrases. Most of them are either evaluations of ourselves, or worries about things to come. And according to most research, over 70% this self-talk is negative.

Self-love, then, is as simple as reversing the trend of negative self-talk. Once it becomes less negative, your mood and behavior will follow. But easier said than done, right?

The Child Exercise: Flip Your Own Self-Talk Script

One of the most helpful exercises for cultivating self-love I was exposed to was pretty ingenious. You essentially flip your own self-talk script by forcing yourself to use it on someone who clearly shouldn’t hear it: a child version of yourself.

Take your most scathing negative thought about yourself and imagining saying it to a 5 year-old version of yourself. Really close your eyes and think about it. Imagine how that young child would feel hearing it. It should make you re-think how harsh you are with yourself. After all, like the child version of yourself, you’re just trying to learn and get better. Being verbally abusive to yourself isn’t going to help you do that.

What the exercise helped me discover is that in most cases, we are much more hurtful to ourselves than we are to others. It’s just that almost all of the pain we inflict on ourselves is internal and automatic. We get used to it; it becomes the background noise that we live with. But it affects our mood and behavior.

Loving yourself is about identifying all of that negative and hurtful background noise in your self-talk, and slowly replacing it with more encouraging stuff. It can happen gradually. But it should be something you stay aware of.

So in the end, self-love isn’t about saying you don’t need to change or grow; in fact, it’s the opposite. It’s about acknowledging that you want to change or grow because you’re worth the effort it takes to do it. You’re worth investing in. You’re worth the time and the work. And most importantly, it’s about knowing yourself well enough to give yourself a break when you need it, and being firm with yourself when you know you can do better.

These books changed the way I think, and because of that, I go back to them time and again.

Photo by Kimberly Farmer on Unsplash

There is something special about books. Whether they’re paper books, e-books, or even audiobooks — the book has power that few other pieces of media do.

Perhaps it’s the self-contained nature of the book that makes it so potentially powerful. It has clear boundaries that separate it from the swirling sea of information outside its covers. It seems to force us to take shelter in it — shelter from all the other information flying at us.

Here’s my list of 10 books that changed the way I think, and thus changed my life forever.

Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity

By David Allen

I found this book right as I began my first office job out of grad school. I was a point in my life where I needed to decide what my career path was going to be. This book gave me a way of looking at my work and my life that pushed me to go well beyond “I just need to finish my work and go home”. If you let it, this book will change your approach to damn near everything. It provides a set of tools to achieve and maintain peace of mind. No joke.

Allen’s approach goes beyond just completing tasks. It’s about getting your mind clear of all the open loops that are weighing it down — and trust me, there are a lot more than you think. It’s as much a system for living as it is for working. It’s practical, well-written, and insightful.

The Dhammapada

Translation by Eknath Easwaran

The Dahammapada is one small book of the many books of the Buddhist canon. It is considered by many to be the best single source to capture the essence of Buddhism — regardless of the particular flavor of Buddhism that one may prefer. It’s short, divided into quickly-read chapters of verse, and they make a pocket version (which is super-handy).

It contains all sorts of tidbits of practical wisdom for living. At the center of it is advice on how to live a life with less disappointment, frustration, anger, and worry. It emphasizes just how much your own thoughts, feelings, and emotions can influence your days, and how your life goes. Whatever you’re going through, it’s you going through it, and even if you get help from someone else, your mind needs to be in the right place to really move forward. The Dhammapada provides some great advice on how to make that happen.

When Breath Becomes Air

By Paul Kalanithi, MD

There’s nothing to help you appreciate the life you have quite like the first-person account of what it’s like to die way too young. This book is a story written by a bright, young doctor who is given a death sentence in his early thirties, and must come to deal with it through writing.

Dr. Paul Kalanithi was a neurosurgeon at Stanford, but was steeped in philosophy, classics, religious studies, art, etc. This book is a memoir about his life as a thinker, a doctor, a husband, and a new father, up until his death at a young age from cancer. It’s a really great read — filled with profound thoughts on the bigger aspects of life. But it’s also filled with warm accounts of lessons learned by actually being there as people took their last breaths.

While Kalanithi’s own account of his journey toward death is moving, my usually stone cold heart was nearly melted by the epilogue. In it, his wife, Lucy, picks up where Paul left off — when he became too ill to even write. She lays out in heart-breaking detail his last days and moments of life. It is gripping, but told in such a way that you really feel what it must be like to be in your final moments of life. It’s a fantastic book.

The Tao Te Ching

by Lao Tzu (various translations exist)

I go back to this book again and again, and I find something new and helpful every time I do. It’s a short book of just over 80 small chapters, but each of them leaves you with something to chew on, and a different way to approach your day. I often make a habit of reading one chapter per day in the morning, just to give my day a jump start of fresh thinking.

Translations of this work can vary greatly, due in large part because of the language gap between old Chinese and modern English. But in a way, that’s part of what makes this book so good. You can catch a glimpse of what the book is hinting at — even if the wording is quite different from translation to translation. I recommend the translation by Thomas Cleary, but there are plenty of good ones out there.

Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less

By Greg McKeown

I first read this book as I began to give up the ghost on becoming an academic, and it helped me come to grips with my new career path. I credit it with helping to slow my roll, and focus on sifting through all the noise to find the signal. I am sure that it will do the same for anyone else who chooses to read it.

McKeown is masterful and helping the reader focus on a way of thinking that cuts through BS and false urgency. He lays out some great practices for getting you to do important work that adds value to your life and your world. It’s a great one to keep on the bookshelf and read every once in a while.

Recently, McKeown started a podcast of the same name, and it’s great. He interviews people from the famous to those of us just trying to get by, and does a great job digging into deep ideas.

Autobiography of Malcolm X

By Malcolm X and Alex Haley

People often think of Malcolm X as a kind of militant and brash activist — which at one time, he was. But what many don’t realize is that he was on a grand intellectual and spiritual journey, which this book does a great job of documenting. Malcolm narrated it to Alex Haley not long before his assassination in 1965.

One of the traits that I have found to be most admirable in public figures is the willingness to evolve right in front of the eyes of the public. To really do this demands a lot of other admirable traits, like open-mindedness, humility, intellectual curiosity, and honesty.

Malcolm’s story is a prime example of the manifestation of all of these traits. His tale is one of imperfection, which he fully embraced and utilized to push further toward discovering the truth, and toward justice. He takes wrong turns along the way, and is never afraid to change course — even if the costs may be substantial (which they were). If nothing else, this is just a really good read about an important, and kind of (sadly) misunderstood historical figure.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

By Stephen R. Covey

This book is considered a classic by many in the broader business world for a reason: it’s packed with really good advice. The 7 habits are highly intuitive, and if followed, it’s easy to see how they can make one a very effective and successful person. The great thing about it, though is it’s not like some other books that are lauded by many a business douche. It ties together success in work and life, and defines them in a way that isn’t about squeezing 10x out of everything and traveling to various destinations. Covey deals with the meat and potatoes of life — the relationships we build and maintain. Those are difficult work at times, and Covey has good advice on how to do that work.

Meditations On First Philosophy

by René Descartes

This book got me hooked on philosophy — a drug I’ll never be able to kick. My very first philosophy course largely revolved around this book in particular, and philosophical skepticism in general — a topic I still adore.

The book is accessible in a way that many (most?) philosophy texts tend not to be. It’s funny, has a good flow, but most importantly, it gets you thinking differently.

Descartes was the first widely-read author of his time to get people to take doubt and skepticism seriously. He was writing at a time when so much was taken for granted. In this book, he forces us to stop and consider how much of what we think we know could easily be wrong.

This is a great read to get you in a mode of reconsidering received wisdom, or anyone hungry for a different way of looking at things. Consider it as planting the seeds of innovation and creativity.

Not Always So

By Shunryu Suzuki

I read this book at the behest of one of my mentors — Dr. Grant Olson — who helped point me on my way with regards to learning the ins and outs of Buddhism. I am by no means a pious Buddhist — hell, I’m lucky to even meditate a few times per year. However, this book (and a few others by the same author) is so rich with prescriptions for how to think about life, death, emotions, pain, and all that thorny stuff of life — it has something for anyone just looking to re-frame their view of reality.

Suzuki had a way of simply and concretely offering up arresting insights into our mental lives. I’ve read this book many times, and lent it out to a few people. I continue to go back to it regularly because it is so easily digestible and refreshing.

The Miracle Club

By Mitch Horowitz

Every once in a while, you should read a book that stretches your worldview a bit. I’m talking about the kind of book that you might initially scoff at because you just “don’t believe in that stuff”. This book is a good one to choose for that purpose.

Horowitz balances critical exploration of new age thinking with an argument that, despite some of its followers unbelievable claims, it’s still worth our attention. He explains many of the new age movements out there, and offers up some of the practices that he has adopted over the years from new age thought. The result is a balanced book about a topic that tends to be neglected by the more analytical self-improvement crowd.

I’ll always hold science in high regard, but this book gave me a new perspective on the systems of thinking (many of them ancient) that have existed outside of science for a long time. You can’t call yourself open-minded if you haven’t ventured outside of the accepted ways of thinking. Picking up this book is a great way to do that.

On the perils of expecting too much from first attempts and building resilience

Photo by Ethan Hu on Unsplash

Hockey great Wayne Gretzky is often credited with the phrase “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” Let’s call this Gretzky’s Law. It’s something that coaches of all stripes use to motivate people to go for it, despite fear or doubt. It can be a helpful motivator for those of us who tend to hold back, rather than getting going.

But there’s more to this idea, which can be characterized in the following alternative law. Let’s call it Gretzky’s 2nd Law:

Getting better involves missing a lot of shots for a while, until you stop missing so much.

The very first time we try something, it usually doesn’t work out. So you try again — and usually miss again — for a while. Then you make one, maybe two or three. Then you (probably) miss again. Fall on your ass, fall again, fall once more. But maybe next time, stay up for a bit longer — before falling again. The falling is inevitable. Missing shots is inevitable.

This is the general structure of practicing something. You suck when you start, you keep sucking for a while, and you slowly but surely begin making some shots. It’s how humans have gotten better at things for millennia.

The Shitty First Draft

In her book Bird by Bird, Annie Lamont talks about the concept of the “shitty first draft”. I don’t think much explanation of it is needed of what that concept means. It’s pretty much what it sounds like. It’s a first draft, and it’s shitty. But it’s not shitty because you’ve done something wrong, or because everyone else is better than you. It’s shitty because first drafts are almost always shitty. Because they’re the very first version of something.

You usually miss the first shot you take.

But how many of us forget this? How many times do we refuse to finish or publish, or push out a version — something, anything — because everything we do has to be perfect? I do. I forget constantly. And so I sit in a proverbial dumpster filled with drafts I’ve never bothered to finish and push out.

Hell Is Your Unfinished Stuff

Jean-Paul Sartre famously said that “hell is other people.” What he meant is that so much of how see ourselves is based on what others think of us, or how we believe we compare to them. Because of that, we end up creating a unique hell for ourselves that exists due to the mere existence of other people in our lives.

I’m not sure I fully buy into Sartre’s assessment — though it’s a point worth pondering. But I think there’s another version of hell that’s just you and all of your unfinished work. What’s more, I think many of us live in that hell for some portion of each day. We ruminate, we beat ourselves up, and yet somehow, on top of all that, we demand perfection of ourselves. And we refuse to move until we see it on the horizon.

But it never appears. So we are left in that hell until we find a way out. Taking Gretzky’s advice, the only way out of that hell is taking that first shot — the shitty first shot — and then taking a bunch more, which will likely be just slightly better than shitty. And so on, and so forth, until we look back years later and we’re better than we were when we took our fist shot.

When it comes to taking shots, expect the worst from the first. Then expect more of the same for some time to come.

If you continue to take shots, though, you’ll make some here and there. Over time, you miss fewer of them. But if sports are any indicator of other endeavors, you’ll miss at least as many shots as you make — if you’re really good.

Sucking is Job 1

Back in the 1980s, Ford Motor Company ran ads whose slogan was “quality is job 1.” It’s a great sentiment, but your job 1 isn’t quality — not at first. When you first begin, job 1 is sucking out loud. The out loud part is important. Produce things, knowing they will probably suck. Then keep producing, get feedback, and make tweaks.

The key is to stop expecting much of anything from your early tries at things. Stories of people who stumbled into greatness have two traits in common: they are very rare and the success is usually short-lived.

Luck is a part of every success story, but the difference between success that lasts and success that quickly fades is that luck is accompanied by having failed and learned a lot first.

Start by sucking. Embrace the suck. Suck less often over time. But still expect to suck at times. You’ll miss about half the shots you take, even when you’re pretty good.

Perhaps, then, there’s another variation of Gretzky’s Law. Let’s call it Gretzky’s 3rd Law: You’ll never make 100% of the shots you do take, unless you’re not taking enough shots.

Did you find value in this? Subscribe to my newsletter, Woolgathering, for a weekly(ish) dose of thinking like this, and helpful links to other good stuff.

Examining a more holistic approach to writing can produce tremendous benefits to your craft

Image by DAMIAN NIOLET from Pixabay

I have a really weird sickness when it comes to writing. The more words I have in a given piece of writing, the further I feel I have to go in order to finish it.

So I let longer drafts of writing just fester for long periods of time.

It’s as if, in my mind, the blank page can be a finished piece of writing within 5 minutes of me sitting down to write. But if I have to open up a piece that already has 1,000 words and a few hours put into it — I feel like I’m days away from finishing it.

As if this feeling alone weren’t odd enough, it is backed up by evidence. And by evidence, I mean the performance of the pieces I’ve written. Of the 20 top-performing pieces I’ve written, over half of them were written in under 2 sessions. A few of them were completed in a single feverish session of writing.

What this shows me is that there is very little correlation for me between the time spent physically writing a piece and how good it is. So I have decided to stress out less about how much time I’m spending writing particular pieces. I’ve adopted a view of writing that’s more holistic.

Writing Is More Than Putting Words on the Page

My view of writing is this: the quality of your writing is a function of time spent on it. However, it’s not simply a function of the time spent hunched over a keyboard or notebook. The time we spend physically putting words on pages is just one portion of the time we spend writing.

The truth is, we’re working on writing much more often than we often give ourselves credit for.

Did your mind wander to a topic during your morning run today that is now part of a draft you’re working on? That time counts.

Did you have a revelation after a long phone conversation with a friend that provided great fuel for a piece of writing? That time also counts.

The point is, our time writing goes far beyond the time we spend putting words on the page. It includes the time we spend thinking, discussing, refining, agonizing, vacillating, and any other verbs you might use.

Writing is Like Fitness

Part of what helped me rethink what writing looks like was my experience with physical fitness. As it turns out, getting better at writing is not too different from getting fit and healthy.

Getting in shape — building muscle and burning fat — doesn’t just happen when you’re working out. In fact, most fitness coaches will tell you that your diet and resting habits are just as important as what you do during your workouts. Many top athletes will tell you that it’s the time they spend outside of practices, workouts, and competitions that contribute the most to how well they do at their chosen craft.

In the same way, the time you spend reading, thinking, discussing, and even resting your mind from active thought are all valuable parts of the writing process. The process of creating that new piece of writing is inclusive of many of things we do each day.

We create artificial separations between typing on the keyboard and taking a quiet walk around the neighborhood —but those separations aren’t real. If you thought at all on our walk about something you have written or will write about — you were writing!

Own Your Writing Process by Making it Inclusive

This means two important things for us writers:

1. Don’t beat yourself up for the amount of time you’re writing or not writing.
2. Start thinking about your writing in a more inclusive way, which includes the time you spend thinking and resting.

If you do these 2 things, I promise you your writing will become better. And as a bonus, you’ll probably come to enjoy writing a lot more.

The first point is true of anything you’re pursuing. You shouldn’t beat yourself up about how much time you’re putting in or not putting into writing.

Should you try to spend as much time as you can on the writing process? Sure. Should you try to structure your schedule your time so that you can devote more time to you craft? Absolutely. But if you’re going to keep track of the time you put into your craft, make sure you’re not being unnecessarily restrictive in what counts as time “put in”. That brings us to the second point.

Unless you’re a master of mindfulness and mental compartmentalization, your mind is regularly working on things other than the actual activity you’re engaged in. I wash the dishes almost daily, and in most cases, I’m also thinking through problems, or honing ideas that I’m writing about. I’m guessing that you do, as well.

So own that! Embrace your wandering mind as a tool for your writing. Your environment affects the kind of ideas you come up with. You‘ll have different kinds of thoughts while cleaning your home than you will while you’re sitting at your desk.

There’s a reason why there’s an entire community on Reddit devoted to the weird things we think of in the shower. There’s also a reason why the titular doctor on House, MD always seemed to think of a tough diagnosis when he was doing something seemingly unrelated, but not while actively thinking about it. Our minds work differently in different settings. Use that to your advantage!

I can trace many pieces of writing back to activities where I wasn’t putting words on the page. I was running, cleaning, driving to work, or various other tasks that don’t require my full attention. To pretend like that’s not part of the writing process is absurd — and it shortchanges how much work actually goes into the craft of writing.

You’re Writing More Often Than You Think, So Keep it Up!

Hopefully, this piece of writing has helped you to see that writing is more than just sitting down to add to the word count. Writing includes the time you spend thinking, talking, reading, and even resting your mind. They’re all a necessary part of the process.

It’s not about how often or for how long you sit down to put words on the page. It’s about the depth and eloquence of what shows up on the page. And more often than we think, it’s the time away from the keyboard or the pen that contributes a great deal to that.

Quick fixes for when things are going downhill

Photo: Andre Hunter/Unsplash

We all have days that feel like they’re going nowhere. You can’t seem to get a grip on things or accomplish anything meaningful. You’re simply stuck. If today is one of those days, don’t call it a wash just yet. Here are three small things you can do right now to jolt yourself into a better headspace and turn things around — or at the very least, make your day 27% better.

Block out time for a completable task

This task should be something substantial — either part of a project that moves you closer to a goal or a to-do list item that has been weighing on your mind for some time.

Now comes the most important step: Estimate how long it will take you and block out time in your day’s schedule for it. Oftentimes, we fail to finish things simply because we don’t understand how much time they’ll take. We’ll either start something, discover we’ve taken on more than we have time for, and get fed up, or we believe something will take us so long that we don’t even try.

Create a realistic time block for the task, and allow your schedule to revolve around it. You’ll have at least one win for the day.

Prioritize physical activity (even just a little)

A friend of mine was diagnosed with lymphoma earlier this year. As he began chemotherapy, he made a commitment to himself: He would do at least some physical activity every single day. There are photos of him doing walking lunges around the cancer ward while hooked up to an IV. It didn’t matter if the chemo made him feel terrible on some days — he still pushed through. He knew that being active would give him momentum, physically and emotionally. (Thankfully, he’s now in remission.)

It’s a good practice for all of us. Getting your heart pumping and engaging your muscles is about more than staying fit. It boosts your mood, breaks up the monotony of desk work, and helps propel you to tackle other tasks during the day.

Do one small thing to prevent a bigger issue

Here’s one of my favorite quotes from the Tao Te Ching:

Deal with difficulties while they are still easy.
Handle the great while it is still small.
The difficult problems in life
Always start off being simple.
Great affairs always start off being small.

Ninety-five percent of the big problems we face in our daily lives start out as small problems. The issues build slowly over time, so they’re hard to notice. Then when we finally do see them, it seems like they’ve come out of nowhere.

Get in the habit of tackling some small preventative tasks every day. You might:

• Wash the few plates and cups in the sink before you have a mountain of dirty dishes that you don’t even want to go near.
• Pull a few weeds so they don’t become uncontrollable.
• Call a client to check on how things are going in order to prevent a possible “last-minute” crisis.
• Review the conversations you’ve had in the last week and make sure you’ve captured any possible actions or issues that may have come out of them.

When you do these things, you’ll get an immediate sense of relief and also become motivated to be proactive in even more areas in your life.

A spiritual path is necessary for personal growth, but it doesn’t look like what most people think it does

Photo by Leah Kelley from Pexels

What do you think of when you hear the word spiritual?

Do you see visions of immaculately arranged Instagram posts of people practicing yoga or calmly sitting with their eyes closed in an upscale loft? Do you hear the ramblings of someone ‘finding their bliss’ or seeking ‘inner peace’? Do those things seem totally unrelated to the battles you’re fighting every day in your life? Do you get turned off by just hearing the word ‘spiritual’?

You’re not alone. I too used to routinely dismiss anything labeled ‘spiritual’. The spiritual talk I heard for most of my life seemed to be just another kind of B.S. wrapped up neatly for gullible folks to consume — like any other sketchy product.

But I’ve come to realize that I was wrong. I was throwing the baby out with the bathwater. And it stifled my growth for a long time.

What I’ve come to find out is that spirituality isn’t something beyond and separate from day to day life. It’s right there in front of us.

But it is up to us to embrace it in our own way. And until we do, we end up limiting our personal growth to mostly superficial areas of progress.

Everything Is Spiritual

There is no separation between the spiritual and everything else. Replying to emails is spiritual. Washing the dishes is spiritual. Changing a dirty diaper is spiritual. Your failure to treat them that way is the only determining factor.

You can do any of the things I mentioned above mindlessly; and we often do. You can also do these things mindfully — in the sense of being aware that you’re doing them. But you can also go a bit deeper than that. And that’s what I’m talking about.

You can change diapers, reply to emails, and clean the dishes — but do them while acknowledging that they’re an expression of you, of your commitments and values. You can do them as a way of connecting more deeply with yourself, and with reality.

The email you’re replying to is an act of connecting to someone that you felt it’s important enough to connect with. If it’s someone you dislike, you’re probably walking a fine line your reply to be civil. If it’s someone you’re trying to help, you’re probably digging deep to provide them with that help in the email, and lift them up a bit.

The dirty diaper is your child’s, who you love in a way you don’t love anyone else. Changing it is an act of loving service — despite how badly it smells.

In the cases of the email and the diaper, you’re tapping into a deeper part of yourself. It’s the part that connects with what matters to you, what moves you, and what colors your life. We all have that part — but we so often neglect it.

It’s a deeper part of us — one that picks up on the fact that though we may swim in the shallow end of the pool for most of the hours of our day, there is a deeper end of the pool.

Spirituality is simply the awareness that there is a deep end of the pool, and a willingness to swim in it. Spirituality is the recognition of that part of ourselves that runs deeper than the superficial things in our lives. Actually, it’s the recognition that even the seemingly superficial things in our lives can be — if we allow them to be — deeply meaningful.

Just like anything else, spirituality is something we can hone in ourselves — and doing so can enrich our daily lives dramatically. But we have to let go of all the preconceived notions we have about what spirituality is and should be. Spirituality is uniquely individual, and the most effective way to do it is to build your own path.

Make Spirituality Practical

For years, I had done all of the surface-level work of writing down goals, projects, and tasks. I did mindfulness meditation because scientific studies said it would help my brain. And it all helped in its own way. But there was always a lack of depth.

Something was missing for me.

So I started digging deeper. Rather than meditating because science told me it would help, I began sitting quietly in order to tap into something a bit deeper. I allowed myself to entertain the possibility that by striking a reverential pose, like bowing, I could experience something more than just rest or awareness of my body.

I started constructing my own spiritual practice.

I practiced different types of meditation, and began experimenting with them. I incorporated chanting. I explored prayer — imported from the Christian and Muslim traditions. I tried Magick, esoteric mysticism, and New Thought. I went forest bathing, and practiced grounding. It’s all on the table. And I’m taking something helpful from each thing I try.

I’m still discovering and trying new things. Whatever spiritual system I build, it will never be complete; it will always be a work in progress.

When the goal is to tap into the deepest, most profound part of yourself and this life, leave no stone unturned.

That is all there is to it: build yourself a practice that deepens your experience of daily life, and energizes you. Build a refuge and a source of strength and peace. Whatever that looks like for you, that is your spiritual practice.

Your practice could include a walk around your yard, listening to birds. It could be running, and appreciating the rush you feel as you push yourself. It could be watching your child play with blocks. As long as your involvement int it goes deeper than just observing — into appreciating and experiencing — that’s spiritual practice.

You Are the Only Real Guru

The most important thing I learned about a spiritual path is that it only really works if you build it yourself. You can start with an existing belief system and set of rituals, but it is your job to establish their meaning. It is your job to place them in your life as important pieces of your worldview and approach to daily life. That cannot come from anyone else.

Your spiritual system and practice should have nothing to do with following anyone else. Those who claim to be your master or guru, and those who claim to have a unique access to some truth that you do not, or an ability to save you, should be avoided. Advisors, mentors, and people to walk with you on your spiritual path are highly recommended. But the moment they claim that you should follow them, and put your faith in their words alone — run far and fast.

Your spiritual practice should not allow for any intermediary between you and an experience of the deeper truths of your existence. This is your existence to experience and make sense of; don’t allow someone else to do that for you — they will get it wrong.

If there is one thing I want to scream at the top of my lungs about building yourself a spiritual path, it’s this: don’t walk the path someone else laid out for you. Your spiritual experience of life is too important to take a path other than the one that you have forged yourself.

We are all walking through the same dense and scary forest, and in the end, our journeys will all end in it. All we have are the unique paths we forged as we made our way through it. So make your path as much your own as you can.

The ancient wisdom of “finding the joints” still holds true today

Photo by eduardo froza on Unsplash

Do you find yourself feeling exhausted or anxious at the end of the day? Maybe halfway through the day? Do you wake up feeling like there’s too much to do, and you barely have the energy to get started?

Perhaps you’re hacking and cutting too much.

Chinese philosopher Zhuang Zhou tells the story of three kinds of cooks as a way to illustrate what I mean:

A good cook changes his knife once a year — because he cuts. A mediocre cook changes his knife once a month — because he hacks. I’ve had this knife of mine for nineteen years and I’ve cut up thousands of oxen with it, and yet the blade is as good as though it had just come from the grindstone. There are spaces between the joints, and the blade of the knife has really no thickness. If you insert what has no thickness into such spaces, then there’s plenty of room — more than enough for the blade to play about it. That’s why after nineteen years the blade of my knife is still as good as when it first came from the grindstone.

Zhuang Zhou’s parable is a metaphor for the way we can take on the tasks of daily life. We can essentially be one of the three kinds of cooks. We can cut, we can hack, or we can work with the joints.

The difference between the three — as it applies to daily life — is about exertion.

We often think that effort and exertion is what gets result. In some cases, it is. However, it isn’t the only way to get results. In fact, we often achieve more with much less effort than we think.

As Zhuang Zhou notes, one can cut or hack at the meat, using force and the sharpness of the blades. But over time this dulls the blade. A more effective strategy is to find where the joints are, then use the space in between as a guide to cut up the proverbial meat — with much less effort, and without dulling the blade.

What Zhuang Zhou is talking about are the joints — points in different situations where we can insert ourselves, our will, and our effort — and get more results while expending much less effort. These are the moments when we can achieve worthwhile results without exhausting ourselves.

The key is to remember is that, like the cook in the story, we don’t choose where these joints are placed. They are where they are in any given situation. We need only cut the meat along those lines, which means we must align our desires and plans with the way the joints are lined up.

More than anything, it is about perception and acceptance. You need to clearly perceive how things are, and accept that, so you can act in the best way possible. Find the joints and spaces in the meat, and start carving.

To desire that the meat be laid out some other way is futile. Trying to manipulate situations or people to match our desires will exhaust and frustrate us. The result will be an exhausting, and thus unhappy way of life.

As we attempt to cut up the meat of life, we must let go of our desire to control how things are. Letting go means stopping to examine and understand how it is laid out — regardless of our desires. Then, it is about finding the way to happiness by focusing on what we have in front of us.

We accept things as they are, rather than putting forth Herculean effort trying to rearrange everything to suit our vision of how life should look.Then we proceed from there. Chinese thinkers have referred to this as Wu Wei — the path of non-striving. Wu Wei is not lazy; it is efficient and smart — working with reality — rather than against it.

This is adapted from a passage in my book The Wabi-Sabi Way — now available wherever books are sold.

Get better at sticking with your goals by learning how to over come the “endowment effect”

via readymade on pexels

If you’ve found yourself stuck, overwhelmed, or stagnating in your personal growth, it may be due to something called the Endowment Effect.

The idea is that we tend to value things that we already have much more than things that we don’t. It’s the reason why people accumulate boxes full of junk in the homes, or closets full of clothes they no longer wear. But it’s also the reason that so many of us feel overwhelmed, instead of excited, by our to-do lists.

A to-do list or list of goals should excite us when we look at it. But for so many of us, those lists have become a source of anxiety, because we’ve accumulated so much stuff in them. It is largely due to the Endowment Effect.

Luckily, there is a way to address the evils of this effect, and get back on track toward the goals and projects that energize and enrich your life.

How the Endowment Effect Works

In a now famous study conducted by Daniel Kahneman, Jack Knetsch, and Richard Thaler — participants were asked how much they would pay for a coffee mug. They were also given that same coffee mug, and asked what price they would need to be paid in order to sell it, once they owned it.

The study found that the participants were asking for over twice as much to part with the mug they already owned, compared to the price they’d pay to get it. In essence, it takes twice as much money for a person to part with a mug they own than it takes to get a new one.

In another study conducted by Ziv Carmon and Dan Ariely, participants were asking for about 14 times more to sell NCAA Final Four tickets than they were originally willing to pay for them. 14 times more!!!

There are many proposed explanations for the Endowment Effect. But the effect remains the same. It is 2 to 14 times more difficult for us to part with things we have than to acquire new things.

Put another way, for every thing we get rid of, we’re likely to acquire 2 to 14 new things. Anyone with a junk drawer, packed storage room, or stuffed closet can probably attest to the truth of this.

But the material things are not even the biggest problem. We see the Endowment Effect take hold in an even more problematic realm in our lives that may of us are probably less aware of: our goals.

Psychological Hoarding

While the hoarding of physical objects is a problem, it’s one that is arguably simple to identify. You can see the scale of the problem by simply looking around you. You can see how much space physical objects are taking up, and it’s clear that they need to go.

The problem is not so easy to see when it comes to a more insidious kind of hoarding: hoarding psychological things.

Some people hoard useless objects that they will likely never use again. And those objects take up space and make daily life more stressful for them. Many more of us do this with things like goals and commitments.

We take on goals or make commitments — to ourselves or others, and they get stacked together in our minds. We keep them there, and don’t bother to evaluate whether they leave us enough mental space. And mental space is necessary for relaxation, creativity, and personal growth.

But what we don’t realize is that every goal or commitment we let in to our life takes up space in our mind, and exerts force on us. Every goal we’re not working toward, or commitment we’re not working to meet makes us feel guilt, anxiety, frustration, and generates negative self-talk.

With your mind packed to the brim with all that negative stuff, it’s a huge drag on your energy and enthusiasm — and thus on your potential for growth. In order to get to work on the things that really matter to you, you need to purge.

Purging Without Guilt

Nearly every study on goals and achievement confirms that writing down your goals makes you more likely to achieve them. Another way writing down your goals helps you is that it makes it easier for you to look at those goals over time, and ask yourself if they’re still as valuable now as when you first wrote them down.

This question is not one to take lightly. The quick, unexamined answer we often give is “yes, this goal is still valuable to me, and so I’ll keep it on my list — along with all the other commitments I’ve picked up since then.”

And this is exactly why we don’t achieve so many of our goals. This is the Endowment Effect in action. We already have these goals and commitments, which is making us think they’re more valuable than they are. So we keep them, and they nag at us.

But writing down your goals and commitments can help you more effectively purge them, and give yourself more room for newer goals and commitments, or for old ones that still really excite you — and you’re willing to put renewed passionate effort toward achieving.

Answer A Simple Question

Performing this purge comes down to asking one simple question:
“If I didn’t already have this goal or commitment on my list, how hard would I fight to get it there?”

In terms of a more step-by-step way to answer this question, try the following exercise.

Go down your list of goals and commitments. For each one, assign it one of 4 enthusiasm classifications, based on whether you’d want to take them on if someone offered you them today:

• Hell Yes!
• Yes
• I guess (as in, I feel like I’m letting someone, or myself, down if I say “no”)
• No

For anything that’s not a “Hell Yes!” or a “Yes”, it’s something that you need to find a way to get rid of. If you’re not enthusiastic about it now, it’s highly unlikely you will be in the future. And if you can find a way to negotiate it out of your life and off your mind, do it — as soon as you can. On the other hand, if you feel that you need to do it, then make a firm commitment to yourself that you will put in the work. But understand that you’ll have to sacrifice working toward some other thing on your list — at least for now. Be realistic with yourself, so you don’t get stretched too thin again.

The point of this is not to train you how to flake out of obligations, it’s to help you to look at the things that are pulling at your mind right now, and honestly evaluating their value. Anything you are doing, or feel obligated to do should bring value to your life. Whether it enriches your relationships, makes you money, builds your skills and experience, or helps you rest and recover.

If there are things on your list of commitments that don’t add value to your life, you need to do something to get them off of your plate. Keeping them around will only make you feel worse, and will make it easier to accept other commitments into your life that you probably shouldn’t.

Wrapping It Up

• The Endowment Effect says that it’s 2 to 14 times harder for us to get rid of things, and just as easy to accumulate new ones.
• Due to the Endowment Effect, we tend to accumulate goals and commitments at a faster rate than we accomplish or get rid of them.
• Because we don’t get rid of goals and commitments fast enough, we become overwhelmed, stressed, and anxious.
• Because we’re overwhelmed, we lose the energy to work on the goals and commitments that really matter to us.
• We need to purge old goals and commitments that no longer resonate with us — much like we need to purge our living space of objects that simply take up space.
• Purging your mind of these old goals and commitments is about asking and candidly answering a simple question.
• With your purge done, you’re free to put renewed and focused energy toward the goals and commitments you’ve chosen to keep — being assured of their importance in your life.

Nietzsche, Jesus, the Buddha, and Lao Tzu on how to build personal power and confidence

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon from Pexels

If I told you that there was a piece of advice about personal growth that a 19th century atheist philosopher and Jesus both agreed on, would you take it to heart?

What if I also told you that an ancient Chinese sage and and the Buddha also pretty much agreed with it?

If 4 minds as diverse and scattered across history and geography can agree on something, there’s probably something to it, right?

As it turns out, there is such a thing. For lack of a better term, I’ll call it the “other cheek approach”. It’s a piece of practical advice on how to craft a resilient mindset — the kind that can help you get through the various things that life throws at you.

The 4 Versions of the Principle

Jesus

My choice for the principle’s name comes from the New Testament of the Bible, in the book of Matthew 5: 38–42 (as well as the book of Luke, as they shared source material). It’s something that Jesus supposedly said to his group of followers as a metaphor for moving past the slights that happen to you.

The full quote is both interesting and provocative. Here it is for context:

You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you.

Not only is Jesus suggesting that we should be okay with the injustices done to us, but also leave ourselves open to more chances to be wronged. What a truly subversive — and perhaps crazy — idea. After all, doesn’t this way of thinking simply make us into doormats — leaving us open to being continuously trampled upon?

Not quite. There’s something more to it than that. It’s not about meekness or weakness. It’s not about letting others overpower you. In fact, it’s the opposite; it’s a philosophy of being powerful yourself.

Nietzsche

Here’s the same advice in a quite different voice — that of famous philosopher and atheist Friedrich Nietzsche. In his Genealogy of Morals, he links this turning of the cheek to power and confidence:

As the power and self-confidence of a community increase, the penal law always becomes more moderate….how much injury [a person] can endure without suffering from it becomes the actual measure of his wealth. It is not unthinkable that a society might attain such a consciousness of power that it could allow itself the noblest luxury possible to it — letting those who harm it go unpunished. ‘What are my parasites to me?’ it might say. ‘May they live and prosper; I am strong enough for that!’

For Nietzsche, turning the other cheek isn’t so much about morality as it is about practicality. The stronger you are, the more confident you are, the less the slights of others weigh on you. It’s not because they’re less wrong or sting less at first. Rather, it’s because your focus isn’t on them, but rather on your own strength and confidence — which has little to do with what others have done to you — and more to do with what you’ve done, and will do, for yourself.

The Buddha

As a third example, the first chapter of the Dhammapada — the sayings of the Buddha:

‘He insulted me, he struck me, he cheated me, he robbed me’: those caught in resentful thoughts never find peace.
‘He insulted me, he struck me, he cheated me, he robbed me’: those who give up resentful thoughts surely find peace.

This is a clearer commentary on the harm that comes from focusing on the wrongs done to you and the people who did them. As long as you focus on those things, you keep peace out of focus, and live an angrier life, filled with resentment and limitation.

Lao Tzu

And finally, we have the Tao Te Ching, which (on one translation) discusses what a person looks like when they’ve taken the “other cheek” approach to heart:

The master can keep giving
because there is no end to her wealth.
She acts without expectation,
succeeds without taking credit,
and doesn’t think she is better
than anyone else.

A “master” who lives this approach lives without expectation, beyond seeking credit, and doesn’t thrive on comparisons between herself and others. The “wealth” here is not merely a wealth of funds, but more of an internal wealth — a sense of self-worth. The master’s self-worth is rich enough that no wrong or injustice done to her by others can make a dent in it. She proceeds with confidence in herself, and the power that comes with it.

The common theme here is this: to dwell upon the injustices done to you is a surefire way to remain both weak and miserable. But to proceed with an internal sense of power and confidence in yourself, your worth, and the value you can bring — is the way to build a life you can be proud of.

What This Advice Isn’t Saying

But we need to be clear here, so that there is no misunderstanding. There are 2 things that these pieces of advice aren’t saying.

First, this advice is not saying that it’s okay to abuse, lie, cheat, and steal. Of course, those things are wrong, and the pain they cause is real. This advice isn’t about what is right for people to do to each other. It’s about what is best for you to do for yourself — especially when others have done bad things to you.

Second, this advice isn’t saying that we shouldn’t take time to process the effects of wrongs done to us. It’s important to process grief, loss, pain, anxiety, and all the things that come from trauma and negative experiences. What we shouldn’t be doing is allowing those who have wronged us to take up space in our mental and emotional lives by harboring resentful and vengeful attitudes toward others.

Turning the Other Cheek is About Power

All 4 of these sources are pointing out something about power. Namely, there is a power within you that no one can take away from you unless you hand it over. That power is the power to keep moving. It’s the power to be confidently yourself no matter what has been done to you. It’s the power to define yourself not by what you need to be given or what needs to be given back to you, but by what you yourself are doing for your own personal growth.

Again, we should all be treating each other with respect and reverence, and calling out those who don’t do that is right and helpful. Anyone who experiences terrible injustice has the right to call it out and seek justice. But there is a difference between working for justice and and unhealthy obsession with what has been done to you — with resentment and vengefulness.

When someone steals from you or abuses you, they absolutely did the wrong thing. No doubt about it. And you deserve some space to process what happened to you. But the longer you wait to go on building up yourself and your life — the more you attach your happiness to what happens to someone else who wronged you — the longer you suffer.

These 4 messages are not moral, they are spiritual — as in, they are meant to breathe life into you and empower you. They’re meant to energize you. So don’t take them to be saying that people are free to wrong others and it’s all okay. What they are saying is that the route to personal power and confidence lies in your choice to be powerful enough to live your life as yours, and not as a collage of what has been done to you.

We all get stuck sometimes, but simple acts of service can both help us get unstuck and help keep us productive and growing

Photo by Suraphat Nuea-on from Pexels

I have these days sometimes where I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do. I’m sure you’ve had them before, too.

You’re just not sure what you’re supposed to do. Your personal brand is *meh*. No one is reading your latest newsletter, or buying your latest product. Your task list is heavy with big, important things — the kind that are difficult to even think about starting, let alone complete. Your inbox is flooded with all sorts of stuff that you know you need to at least read, if not respond to. You’ve got meetings, a bunch of meetings — oh dear God, the meetings!

You had a list of projects, prioritized, and next actions as well! But new developments have blown all that up. You’re not even clear what’s what right now.

It seems like this day will slip away from you, with not much to show for it.

So what do you do?

Be of service.
And build from there.

Everyone would appreciate a little something right now. Everyone you know — everyone you work with, everyone in your house, your friends, your family — all those folks could use a little something. To give them that something is to serve them. And to serve is among the best things we as humans can do with our time and energy.

Do A Little Something

Feeling tired, anxious, unable to focus, and pessimistic? Call up a coworker and ask how they’re doing, what they’re working on. If they mention something they’re having a hard time with, give them an idea, or offer to help if you can do it easily, or if it sounds like something you’d enjoy doing.

Don’t feel like calling someone? No worries! Chances are, there are emails in your inbox whose answer would be a bit of service. You could answer the person’s email, and add in a little bit of extra info to help them more. Go just a little bit above and beyond — to serve them and their purposes.

Too lazy to go combing through your inbox or call someone? Get up to serve yourself with a beverage or snack, and if you work or live with someone else, ask if they want something while you’re up. Or, if you know that they like certain things, get them that thing and surprise them by bringing it to them.

Does even finding ways to help others seem too taxing at the moment? Honestly can’t get out of your own head long enough to anticipate the needs of another? That’s okay, we’ve all been there. Focus on serving yourself — your future self!

• Hop on to your bank’s website and move $50 over to your savings account.
• Go wash a few dishes now, so you won’t have to later on when you’re even more tired.
• Put tomorrow’s workout clothes in your gym bag now, so you don’t have to remember later — and possibly miss your workout…again.
• Make yourself a healthy lunch for tomorrow, right now.

Think of a way you can help your future self do better and meet your goals of being a better you — and do that now!

Why This Works

Acts of service do 2 important things: they get you out of whatever rut you’re in and they make changes to your mindset toward value creation.

Acts of service are simple and often easy to do right now, with no pressure. Because what you’re doing is often unexpected and not subject to deadlines or harsh evaluation, your mind hasn’t built up barriers to doing them. So you can simply pick some small thing to do, and do it. And then, boom! You’ve overcome your paralysis or procrastination, and you’ve brightened someone’s day a little!

In doing acts of service — especially ones you aren’t explicitly expected to do — you are changing your mindset toward one of value creation. You create value when you serve others. And when you create value, people tend to notice. Create enough value, and you become known for it. Those known for creating value get opportunities, respect, and compensation.

We all get stuck. We all doubt ourselves and become paralyzed for a little bit sometimes. It’s important that when that happens, we remember that we can still serve someone else. When we do that — in whatever small way we can right now — it can rekindle that fire we once had to create value. Once that fire is burning again, the sky is the limit.

How to change a bad habit that you’re already doing into an intentional one that can give you a huge boost toward your goals

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels

How do you get that extra push toward achieving your goals — beyond simply writing them down and developing a plan? What kind of tools are out there that go further than the ones we’re all familiar with? Well, there is a tool out there that can give you that extra push. And it’s one you can start using today.

Actually, you’re probably already using this tool. We all are. But many of us are using it without knowing it. And the way we’re using it is harmful — in that it keeps us from achieving many of our goals.

But if you can learn to use this tool in the right way, and direct it toward achieving your goals — it becomes an invaluable part of your journey of personal growth. It’s called synthetic experience.

What is Synthetic Experience?

One of my favorite underappreciated sections from David Allen’s classic productivity book Getting Things Done is one in which he talks about how our thoughts and feelings affect our productivity.

“It’s really the smartest people who have the highest number of undecided things in their lives and on their lists. Why is that? Think of how our bodies respond to the images we hold in our minds. It appears that the nervous system can’t tell the difference between a well-imagined thought and reality.”

Because creative people are so good at imagining crazy scenarios in their heads, they can trick their minds into all sorts of anxiety — and thus not do anything at all. You begin to think of all the obstacles or pitfalls on your way to achieving a goal, and it tricks your mind into thinking those things are here in front of you.

This is called synthetic experience. It’s not experience that’s happening to you in reality, but rather, experience you’re imagining. But as Allen points out, and numerous studies confirm, your body can’t tell the difference very well.

Allen gives an example to show the power of synthetic experience. He asks the reader to close his or her eyes and imagine being in a grocery store, picking up the ripest, yellowest lemon, and then slicing it into juicy wedges — then biting into it. Most likely, your saliva content increased a little. That is your body interpreting your imagination’s output as real. You were able to get a physical response merely by imagining a fake lemon.

This mental power doesn’t stop with produce, it also works with more important things, like how you’ll do on that big presentation tomorrow. It works with how your date will go on Saturday. It works with whether or not you will achieve your big goals for this year. Your imagination helps to shape how things turn out.

If you doubt it, consider the fact that it’s already working; you’re just not aware of it most of the time. Every time you imagine all the things you have to do tomorrow, or imagine how badly a call with a client will go — you’re getting your body to respond. The problem is that it’s responding negatively. All you have to do is begin using the process to get positive results, instead of the negative ones you’re already getting.

How Synthetic Experience Works

When you imagine scenarios in your mind, you are, in fact, influencing things. Primarily, you’re influencing your body, but you’re also influencing your future thoughts and emotions. And so, if you are able to imagine positive things happening, you then create positive influences on your body, as well as on your future thoughts and emotions.

This establishes a positive feedback loop. You feed yourself positive images and sensations, which yield more of the same, which then help you to push more and thus achieve more. And the achievements create more confidence and positive experience that you can use as motivation.

But it all starts with imagination: making things up. That’s why it’s called synthetic experience. You’re not drawing from things that you have already experienced — at least no directly. You’re imagining that you have gotten the positive result already.

Some coaches and consultants call this having a vision of success, but so many of us fail to take that word as seriously as we should. What I’m suggesting here is actually create a literal vision. Close your eyes and see what things will be like when you have achieved your goal. Imagine that big talk you have to give in front of the whole company — but imagine you knocking it out of the park! Rather than imaging the long, hard road of training for that big race, imagine yourself successfully running it, and killing it!

What If This is Too Weird for Me?

At this point, some of you may be thinking: this is weird new-age stuff, and I think I’d be better off just writing out a plan and working on it. Allow me to ask you this: what do you have to lose by trying this?

So many of us get so bogged down in the day-to-day rat race, that we lose our motivation, procrastinate, or get distracted. Using synthetic experience is a great way to re-energize yourself. It changes your mode of thinking, and gets you back in touch with your goals — and why you’re chasing them in the first place.

Simply sitting for a few minutes and imagining — really creating the experience in your head of what success on this goal would look and feel like — will almost always get you motivated to work on it.

BUT, for synthetic experience to work, you need to imagine success. Starting to think of success, but then falling victim to imaging all the possible pitfalls and disappointments along the way is not helpful. Neither is falling into planning and strategizing. Visioning and planning are two completely different exercises. Keep them separate.

A Simple Way to Do It

There’s no single way to use synthetic experience. It will differ depending on which of the 5 senses your mind best responds to, how good you already are at using your imagination, and what your energy and cognitive powers are like in general.

For some, the quiet of the morning, with a cup of coffee, is the best time and place to do some visualization. For others, it’s at night, before bed. For some, sitting in the office chair between meetings is the best time. Some may just imagine scenes visually, some may lean toward imagining conversations, soundscapes, and specific words. It will vary for everyone.

The important thing about visualization is that you do it, and you make the synthetic experiences you imagine as robust as you can. That’s the only way to derive benefit from them.

Here are the bare bones of a synthetic experience session:

1. Get yourself into a comfortable place, where you can relax your body and avoid external distractions for at least a few minutes. Close your eyes.
2. Do a few “fourfold breaths”. 
   Inhale while counting to 4, hold your breath for 4 seconds, exhale while counting to 4, and wait 4 seconds before repeating the cycle with an inhalation.
3. With your eyes still closed, pick an outcome that you really want to achieve — whatever goal has priority for you right now. Imagine yourself succeeding at it. Let it play out like a movie in your mind, but put yourself in it, as much as you can. Imagine sights, sounds, smells, or whatever else you would experience if you were really there — achieving that goal. Let yourself get excited and emotional and ride those feelings. Be careful not to try to plan out how you’re going to achieve this thing, or think about pitfalls or anything. The point is the imagine the goal achieved, and get yourself excited about it.

Tips

• Visualize as much as you can, but also tap into as many senses as you can. Really try to imagine how a successful outcome looks and feels to you.
• It may be difficult to really get into imaging at first. It may feel like daydreaming, or avoiding the necessary work of planning. Remind yourself that this is part of an effective process, and do your best to really visualize success.
• Your best indicator for how well synthetic experience is working is how it makes you feel. A session of visualization should make you feel powerful and energized. That feeling should blend in with a feeling that this achievement is well within your grasp — and that you can make it happen, regardless of the obstacles that come up.
• Don’t bee to rigid with this practice. The point is to allow your mind to psyche itself up by thinking about success as if it is already happening. Whatever way you best imagine this, that’s the way to do it.
• If you doubt yourself, just remember that you already engage in creating synthetic experience for yourself regularly. You just tend to do it automatically, and about negative things. Here, you’re changing your existing habit to make it more intentional and positive.