The practical reasons for “loving thy neighbor,” and how to make it a habit.
What do you think when you hear the word compassion? Most likely, what comes to mind is touchy-feely, emotional, and impractical — right? And that reaction makes sense, considering how compassion has been approached throughout history.
Most of the time, compassion comes up in the contexts of religion or philanthropy— the kind of stuff normally segregated from strategy and the for-profit business world. But compassion is useful for more than becoming a saint or savior; it’s actually a very practical and strategic thing to practice. It is a trait that brings as much benefit to the people who show it as the people on the receiving end. It’s actually a great tool for self-improvement.
Of course, realizing the strategic and practical benefits of compassion requires approaching it a bit differently. I call this approach strategic compassion. It’s somewhere between the naïve “love and be nice to everyone” and the overly cynical “fake it so you can get what you want”. I like to think it’s a more nuanced and realistic approach to behavior — for a human emotional spectrum that every bit as nuanced.
The What and the Why of Strategic Compassion
Definitions of compassion abound, and writings about its value are quite numerous as well. Most of these writings approach compassion from the standpoint of how compassionate behavior helps others. When you treat others with compassion, you help them, they feel better, and the good feelings radiate out to others, fostering a generally positive environment. And than’s fine. But there’s a much more prudential (i.e., beneficial to the practitioner) side of compassion.
Strategic Compassion is the skill of judging and interacting with others based on a charitable understanding of their circumstances, and assumes that everyone has value — and thus are potentially equally valuable to each other.
Compassion as a Skill and an Attitude
I am not playing fast and loose with words here; compassion is a skill — just like anything else. Yes, some people seem to be compassionate naturally, which fools many into believing you are either born compassionate, or you’re not. That would be like saying that because some people naturally have better aim than others, there’s no way to develop the skill of aim. And that’s absurd.
Since compassion is a skill, you can develop it like any other skill. You simply need to develop a method of practice that engages the right mechanisms, and repeat that over and over, in different contexts, until it becomes — for the most part — your default.
Developing compassion is about putting yourself in the right frame of mind, which is about developing cues to stop or slow non-compassionate thought processes as they happen, and begin compassionate ones. Doing that comes from embracing the two core concepts of compassion — which are a combination of principles and processes. These two concepts are charitable understanding and assumption of value.
Charitable Understanding
Adopting a charitable understanding of others involves being willing to put forth the effort to understand where they are coming from, why they think what they think and do what they do. It means that you give others the benefit of the doubt — assuming that they are acting in a sincere effort to build a happy life for themselves, and any terrible or dumb things they do or think are missteps along the way.
There is plenty of precedent for this way of thinking. Plato famously attributed to Socrates the view that no person intentionally does evil — meaning that any supposed evil acts are simply ignorance on the part of the evil-doer. As Socrates explained it, we’re all basically aiming at something we perceive to be good — at minimum, our own happiness. It’s just that sometimes, we mistakenly believe that the way to get there is by doing some twisted or misguided things.
If you are inclined to believe that some people are just hell-bent on doing evil, consider the logical conclusion of that way of thinking. Consider a person not touched by sever mental disorders, who has done some bad things. There are really only two explanations for their behavior: either they knew the things they did were unjustifiable, and did them anyway — just because OR they thought their behavior was justifiable, even thought others may disagree, and they did it.
The first explanation doesn’t make a lot of sense when you dig into it.If someone thinks that something is unjustifiable, how can they then also believe that they should do it? It is borderline nonsensical. We do things that we believe are in some way justifiable — even if we’re a bit unsure — we believe in the moment that there is some justification. This was Socrates’s basic thought on the matter. I am inclined to agree. And using this as a jumping-off point helps for a much better connection with a larger swath of people. You can get along better, make more connections, and see much more benefit by using a charitable understanding of others.
Assumption of Value
The second part of strategic compassion is the assumption of value. The basic idea is this: assume that you and others are valuable — as human beings and as sources of insight into whatever topic is at issue. Assume that just as you bring things to the table (knowledge, skills, personality traits), so also do they.
This is likely to be a difficult assumption to make — especially in cases where someone has wronged you or show themselves to be incompetent. In cases like this, the temptation may be to view the person as less valuable due to their lack of past regard for you, or record of poor performance or lack of skills. But remember, the operative term here is “assumption”. You’re not making a decision based on evidence here, you’re assuming something.
But in the name of a logical argument for assuming value, here is a quick few sentences. While past performance is the best predictor of future performance, it is not a certain predictor. A person can fall short hundreds of times, only to come through at the next opportunity.
Also, it is often by failing many, many times, that a person is able to succeed in the future. Furthermore, the very fact that others assumed a person would produce results like before may well be a contributing factor to why they ended up producing the same results. This lack of faith can manifest in various ways — many of which have an effect on a person’s behavior and performance.
Again, this is an assumption. It is helpful if you act upon it, not so much if you attempt to analyze and disprove it. It’s also not a primary principle to follow naively. If you assume that a person brings value, but they simply don’t, and it looks like they may hurt you or others — you can find a way to leave them behind. This assumption is not a permanent reversal of how you manage relationships, it’s simply a way to approach others initially, in order to optimize the possible value from your interactions and relationships.
How Strategic Compassion Helps You
Being compassionate manifests in charitable actions, sure. It can show itself by way of helping others, making sacrifices, or just listening, but compassion itself is not really about action, it’s about attitude. Compassion is a way of viewing others. When you view other people as worthy and valuable — worthy of your consideration and attention, and valuable regardless of their value to you— you will tend to act differently toward them. So while actions are certainly involved they’re actually more of the side-effect of the attitude, which is the important thing.
Being compassionate on a regular basis has many benefits. For one, people will generally tend to return the favor; they’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, and treat you better. As with anything, there will be outliers, who will just be an ass to you even at your most compassionate. And that’s fine. Nobody bats a thousand.
Compassion also benefits you by creating a much more positive state of mind. The less time you spend painting others in a negative light, or shutting them out, the less stress and anxiety you will feel. Think of that stuff as baggage that you carry around with you. Compassion provides you with a way to simply put those bags down and walk away.
Another benefit of being compassionate is that you can learn much more. I have long believed that you can learn something from everyone you interact with. Even if you haven’t experienced this personally, think about it for a second. Every person has had an entirely different set of experiences in their life. Though you may share common threads with a person, their experiences are still quite different from yours, and so their point of view is also different. If you fail to take advantage of that in your interactions with others, you’re simply failing to use a readily available, free source of learning.