About two months before the election that took place yesterday, I was having a discussion about the candidates with a co-worker. He is about 15 years my senior, and grew up in a predominantly black neighborhood in a notably impoverished city, but he is white. He is a Trump supporter. Despite our wildly different stances on the candidates, we had a really fruitful discussion. We walked away from it understanding that we disagreed on our means, but that our ends were largely the same.
To me, this conversation was illustrative of how we ought to approach conversations in general. We will likely disagree with many people. These disagreements may be deeply held. But we need to be able to voice our disagreement in a way that respects others.
Why, you may ask, should we do this? Why not just hold our opinions and rigidly oppose those who hold opposing ones? The answer is simple: that’s now how progress happens.
In order to make progress, we need some level of buy-in from those who previously didn’t buy in. The only way to get that effectively is to keep an open conversation where people feel safe to change their views. That means that when you disagree with someone, you need to stay open, and so do they. Doing that will leave open a compromise — the prospect of incremental, but lasting and sustainable progress.
In order to do that, we must do three things.
Give others the benefit of the doubt.
59 million people voted for “the other guy” yesterday. Many of them are people I work with, people in my neighborhood, friendly acquaintances. This is very likely true for every person reading this. It does you no good to assume that all of those people are either stupid, evil, or both. By and large, they want the same things as you, they just think that there’s a different way to get there than you do.
Remember this every time you think about those with whom you disagree. At a higher level, you and them have the same goals. You want to be happy, healthy, secure, and free. So do they. You want an end to violence, conflict, and oppression. So do they. Start with this in mind, and keep it in mind as you converse.
Be willing to find evidence to the contrary.
If you seek to understand those who disagree with you simply for the purpose of proving them wrong, you will likely end up overlooking valuable information due to a confirmation bias. This is true because you’re already looking for information to prove your point, not what information proves their point. Really think about the ways in which your interlocutors could be right. Not only will it make your tone a lot more inviting for conversation, you may actually learn something.
Be Willing to Leave Things Unresolved
The worst thing you can do in a disagreement is act as if you need to come to some resolution right then and there. Rarely is this the case. When you act that way, you deny yourself a very powerful benefit: the benefits of time and further experience. The passage of time allows your emotions to cool, allows you to become open to new information, and allows you to think about and absorb what you did discuss. Unless the decision is literally life or death, ensure that you don’t place any constraints on your time that aren’t really there. It can be the difference between progressing and regressing.
It’s probably no secret that I wanted Hillary Clinton to win the election. But I woke up today intending to find a way to make the best of a Donald Trump presidency — not by giving in, but by staying open for areas of agreement, no matter how minuscule. We stand or fall on our ability to talk with — not at — each other.
Let us stand together in that way, for if nothing else, we both care immensely about this great society.
Agree with me? Disagree? No matter, consider subscribing to Woolgathering, my weekly newsletter.