On the project of “personal growth” — what are we trying grow, how do we measure, and what do we do?
I once worked with a guy who was in charge of a large amount of people in my organization. I pitched a project to him that had a lot of moving parts, and a heck of a lot of uncertainty. His first question was “what do you measure to know how much progress you’re making?”.
At the time, I didn’t have a ready answer. I think I came up with one eventually (or the project died; I can’t remember which). But that conversation left a mark on me. When you are going to devote time and energy (and probably money) to some undertaking, you should have an idea of how to measure progress.
So for those of us who have undertaken the lifelong project of “personal growth”: what is it that we’re trying to grow?
Don’t laugh, the answer will not come as easily as you think. And any answer you come up with quickly will yield at least two more questions.
What Are We Measuring?
As best as I can tell, there are a few candidates that most of us have in mind when we talk about “personal growth”. These include, but aren’t limited to:
- The Goodness of our Life (however broad that may be)
- Happiness (but not pleasure?)
- Emotional Strength (as in how much we can endure?)
- Productivity (simply as output?)
- Relationships (quality, not quantity?)
Until I started seriously thinking about this question — what we’re measuring — I fell into the same trap as so many others. I assumed I knew what it is I was looking to “grow”. But now that I am thinking about it, it isn’t quite clear.
Why Is This A Problem?
There may be a few of you reading this who don’t understand what the problem is. After all, if you’re meditating, working out, gaining muscle, losing fat, getting promotions, traveling, and having children (or whatever) — what’s the problem?
Well the problem is this: we humans tend to find ourselves quite often chasing the wrong things — both in the short and long term. We are really good at misidentifying what we think will make our life a good one. I have heard enough stories about very accomplished people feeling empty, insecure, and regretful to know that we are often mistaken about what we ought to be growing in our lives — even if we passionately pursued something for years.
Suffice it to say: there are many types of growth you can achieve. But unless you’re growing the right things, and you know how to measure changes in those things, you’re just groping faithfully in the dark until (perhaps) you find something that feels good.
The Cost of Growth is Growth
I’ve been alive for just over 35 years, and one thing that has become abundantly clear to me is this: the cost of growth is growth. Which is to say, the cost of growth in one area is growth in some other area. This is nothing new, really. It’s simply opportunity cost; a basic principle of business, but applied to your personal life.
So the trick to personal growth is to choose the right thing to grow — because the cost of that growth is giving up growth in some other area. And if you choose wisely, you will have given up the opportunity to grow one thing that doesn’t matter to you, and thus pursued growth in something that does.
The basic activity of life is trade-offs. You are continuously trading one thing for another. Every one “yes” is a “no” to infinitely many other possible opportunities. We often act like that’s not true, and it might be the source of a lot of our anxiety and frustration. But our refusal to act in accordance with reality does not change it.
Every “yes” is a million “no”s. We are destroying more opportunities than we ever create. But we must make peace with that fact. When you can know that life is a series of trade-offs, and arm yourself with a way to happily make those trade-offs, that’s a huge step toward a good life.
You’re the Measurer and the Measured
The unique thing about personal growth is that you are both the person measuring and the thing being measured. That makes assessing growth particularly challenging. But it also means that you’re in the unique position to be an expert on how you’re doing.
But just because you have the opportunity to be the expert on your own life doesn’t mean you actually fill that role. To truly assess your own growth requires the ability to step back from yourself — from the activity of your mind, and your ego — and honestly look at how you’re doing. It should be no surprise then that mindfulness may just be the most useful tool for personal growth.
Mindfulness is simply the ability to view your own mind objectively. It’s the ability to step back and see what is going on in your mind and in your life — without immediate judgment and emotion. It’s a dispassionate examination of your emotions, desires, and thoughts. If ever there was a better way to hold a ruler up to one’s life, I have yet to find it.
No matter what it is you’re measuring in your life — whether you’re looking to eliminate or enrich something in it — you need to be able to measure how you’re doing. You simply cannot do that reliably without mindfulness.
As my old colleague said so long ago: we have to know what we’re measuring and what measurements are important, before we can grow in any meaningful way. When it comes to personal growth, those measurements need not be quantifiable (i.e., numbers); rather, they can be qualifiable (i.e. “I feel less anxious than yesterday”). The only requirement is that measurement be mindful, and that we treat ourselves with respect as we measure how we’re doing.