No matter your environment, practicing humility in speech is a great step toward being a better person
In Benjamin Franklin’s autobiography, he lays out 12 virtues that would serve as his guideposts for becoming a better person.
- Temperance
- Silence
- Order
- Resolution
- Frugality
- Industry
- Sincerity
- Justice
- Moderation
- Cleanliness
- Tranquility
- Chastity
But Franklin notes that not long after adopting this list, a friend of his politely told him that he seemed much to proud. Specifically, he tended to speak to others in a way that made constructive discussions difficult.
And so, the eager-to-improve young Franklin quickly added a 13th virtue to his list — which by his estimation, became the most useful. That was humility. And though many people pay lip service to that virtue, they tend to have a more abstract notion in mind. But Franklin had a particular set of actions in mind — all pertaining to how he spoke.
I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradiction to the sentiments of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbid myself…the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fix’d opinion, such as certainly, undoubtedly, etc., and I adopted, instead of them, I conceive, I apprehend, or I imagine a thing to be so or so; or it so appears to me at present. When another asserted something that I thought an error, I deny’d myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing immediately some absurdity in his proposition; and in answering I began by observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present case there appear’d or seem’d to me some difference, etc. I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the conversations I engag’d in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I propos’d my opinions procur’d them a readier reception and less contradiction; I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily prevail’d with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I happened to be in the right.
The importance of words cannot be overstated. The words we use — even when we talk in casual conversation — matter in shaping people’s perceptions of us. Franklin noted that when he began to use different phrases than the ones he usually did, his conversations went much better.
Franklin’s advice can be broken down and simplified to a few key principles regarding how to conduct yourself in conversation. Try a few of these in your next conversation, and see if you don’t appreciate the results as much as Ben did himself.
Avoid Absolutes
Statements that feature words like “never” or “always”, “every” or “none” should be avoided. They make for very weak arguments, and they also set both a dismissive and cocky tone for the conversation.
When you make a statement like “He never gets work in on time”, you’re setting up the weakest possible argument. All it takes is a single example of the person in question getting work in on time to disprove you. At that point, you look both pessimistic and sloppy with your judgement. Both of those things make you seem less credible, and make people less likely to want to deal with you.
Instead, use words that point toward tendencies or trends. “He tends to be late in turning in work” will do just fine. Or, you can use a more precise and evidence-based claim, like “the last 3 projects we worked on, he didn’t turn the work in on time.” Either of these allow people to disagree with you without disproving what you say.
Avoid Certainty
It’s tempting to us state your judgments or opinions as fact — especially when you’re intimately familiar with the subject matter. I’ve been in countless meetings where we’re all talking about what a particular customer or colleague is thinking — or what’s at the root of current business conditions. And usually, someone makes a statement that sounds like a definitive statement of fact — a decidedly bold claim.
But it’s rare that someone can be so certain about things like that and be right. So the more you claim to be certain, the less appealing it is for others to engage with you. First of all, people don’t tend to like talking with people who claim to be certain about a bunch of stuff. It can make people feel like they have nothing to contribute to a conversation. After all, you already know everything anyway; what do you need them for?
But beyond that, once someone shows your certainty to have been misplaced, and proves you wrong, you lose your credibility. Not a good look.
So rather than making claims that sound like certainty, save a little wiggle room for yourself. Instead of “she was angry about the invoice” you can say “it seemed like she was angry about the invoice”. Instead of saying “they weren’t paying attention”, say “it appeared like they were preoccupied”.
What’s great about this is that you get to basically say what you want to say — but you also get to say something that’s inarguably true (so long as you’re being sincere). No one can tell you that something didn’t seem the way it seemed to you.
Perhaps you were wrong, perhaps it seemed that way to you, but it actually wasn’t that way. Admitting that doesn’t make you look nearly as bad as if you claimed that you knew for certain how things were, only to be proven wrong.
In short, it’s better to understate what you know, but turn out to be right, than to claim you do know, only to be discredited. So stay conservative in what you say. Stick to talking about how things seem how you perceive them.
Be Charitable
Conflict in conversation is inevitable. No two of us see the world in the same way. We’ve all had different experiences, and our opinions will eventually clash with one another. It’s how we handle the clashes that makes all the difference. Franklin’s advice here is to be charitable — both in how you interpret the statements of others, and in how you respond to them.
Being charitable in your interpretation is something I was reminded of often in graduate school. I studied philosophy, and was taught that when assessing the argument of someone else, you should paint it in the best light possible. If the argument is a little poorly worded, help it out. Make it the strongest version of itself, and get the person’s agreement that yes, that’s what they meant to say. This way, if you are going to criticize the argument, you’re criticizing the strongest version of it — and with the agreement of its author.
When you do criticize or disagree, be charitable in how you do it. Rather than contradicting someone, you can say something like “Hmm, maybe you’ve got it right, but I’ve seen such and such, which I don’t believe is compatible with what you said…” The point is not to be contentious, and allow your opponent to gracefully back down from their statement — or modify it a bit. This helps immensely when you’re negotiating, strategizing, or even brainstorming. You can get to collaboration much sooner.
Remember: It’s Not Easy
Practicing this humility isn’t easy, in large part because it’s not natural. We say the things we do because we believe them. And we believe what we do because we have evidence that seems so strong to us. But we must remember that other people feel that way, too. And the more we can make our interlocutors feel somewhat intellectually safe, the better our conversations will tend to go. Leave your ego at the door, before you walk through and begin speaking.
Franklin was under no illusions about how difficult this all is. Even when you adopt a resolution to be humble, pride can sneak back in.
In reality, there is, perhaps, no one of our natural passions so hard to subdue as pride. Disguise it, struggle with it, beat it down, stifle it, mortify it as much as one pleases, it is still alive, and will every now and then peep out and show itself; you will see it, perhaps, often in this history; for, even if I could conceive that I had completely overcome it, I should probably be proud of my humility.
Did Ben Franklins foresee the humble-brag? Perhaps…but wherever it came from, it’s just another hurdle on the way to true humility.