A reminder that it’s not about you, and thinking otherwise is the primary reason why things go off the rails
Goals are interesting. A goal is basically just a strong desire that things be different than they are now. That’s not too interesting. What is interesting is the reason why a particular goal is adopted by someone. That is, you want certain things to be different than they are now — but why?
In my own professional journey, I failed to ask that question on many occasions when it would have saved me some grief. Had I actually bothered to ask myself why I adopted certain goals, the answer I would have had concerning many of them would have been the same disappointing one: my ego. I wanted to achieve these goals to feel better about myself.
The tragedy is that it’s unlikely that achieving those goals would have actually made me feel better about myself for more than a short period of time. The ego has a way of desiring ever more of whatever superficial things we feed it.
The Ego’s Disguises
There are all sorts of disguises the ego can use to smuggle itself into our motivations. Some of those disguises appear noble and thoughtful at first. For instance: I want to be a good husband, be a good father, or I want to be the best salesperson I can be. Those seem like selfless, even admirable goals. But without a further explanation of why I have those goals, they leave the door open for the ego to sneak in.
Let’s take the first example: be a good husband. Stated in only that way, and with no why behind it, it can allow for me to stop well short of the goal. So rather than actually be a good father, I’ll stop short once my wife doesn’t give me negative feedback anymore.
But that’s just ego. I’m not doing what I do to actually be a good husband. I’m just doing what I do in order for my ego to be satisfied. If I were really interested in being a good husband, I would continue to ensure that I’m providing what my wife needs from a partner. I would continue to solicit feedback, and continue to find ways to grow the connection we have.
If you’re not a romantic person, the same thing is true for whatever your endeavor is. Let’s say you’ve just started to market a new book you’ve written about fitness. You build a website, open a Twitter account, get on Facebook and LinkedIn, and start pumping out the content. You build an email list, get subscribers, and try to grow your audience. You go crazy buying ads on social media, networking, and getting your name out there.
But why? It’s great to have name recognition, and have your work out there — but what about the reason you started in the first place? Did you do all of that because you believe wholeheartedly in fitness and helping people achieve it? Are you obsessed with your follower count, monthly sales numbers, and stats because that shows how well you’re serving the purpose? Or is it ego?
In short: when you’re doing something for your ego, you’ll stop when you feel either validated or frustrated. When you do it for a higher purpose, you won’t stop. You can’t stop; your passion won’t let you. You’ll continue to serve that purpose, and look for new ways to do it better.
Stay In Service
We all get wrapped up in various projects throughout our lives. Many fizzle out, and for various reasons. But every once in a while, we stumble onto that thing that we care so much about, we can’t be stopped. We want to keep learning more about, sharing what we learn with others, and building something — just to be in that space — to offer it up as our contribution to that field we love so much.
When you get something like that, hold on to it. Don’t let it become adulterated with concerns that leak in through the ego. Don’t be swayed by the vanity metrics. Don’t focus on the numbers.
Yes, the numbers are nice. If you really believe in what you’ve built, and you believe it can really help people, it’s great to see it reaching more people. But don’t make that the focus. If you have an audience of just 2 people that are into what you’re doing, serve them first. Don’t take them for granted while you keep trying to keep pumping up your numbers. In fact they’re not your numbers. And the more you think they are, the more you know that’s your ego creeping in.
In other words, stay in humble service. Focus on the bigger why of the thing you’re doing. And if you’re not sure of the bigger why, then just ask yourself: why am I doing this? And keep asking until you get one of two answers:
- Because I want to be validated/liked/famous.
- Because I believe what I do provides value, and I can’t not do it.
As soon as your trail of whys ends in answer #1, fall back. Pick something new, or just regroup and adjust your mindset. Hopefully, your answer is #2 — in which case, you’ll get back to doing what you do. And hopefully, you’ll also have pushed your ego away, in order to fully focus on being of service.
A Higher Power
At the end of the day, goals are the most powerful piece of mental machinery we as humans can adopt. Goals can take us to places and lift us to heights we would never have imagined. But the wrong goals can drag us down to the depths of despair and leave us feeling empty and ever-envious of what others have that we think we should. That’s what happens when goals are tainted by ego.
It’s not about you — even when you so badly want it to be. And even if there are a million fans screaming your name — especially when that happens — it should still be clear that it’s not about you. It’s about them. It’s about what you’re doing for them, and about what you’re doing for the sake of that thing that you and them have in common — that thing you both love so much that brought you together in the first place.
For musicians, it’s the music. For writers, it’s the words and the message. You get the picture. It’s a higher power. It’s transcendent. It has to be — in order to move you and the people who come to you.
Stay in service. Serve the people who find you and stick around. Serve the craft you’re engaged in.